stranger things have happened

you know sometimes you feel so internally turbulent and messed up but in reality nothing huge is happening in your life? (as in a breakup, family member being sick, or getting fired kind of huge event I mean).

That's how I feel right now.

Inside I feel horrendously restless and anxious and dreading everything ahead of me.

But in reality... the events in my life are not catastrophic or life-changing.

I don't know why sometimes I get like this but it pisses me the hell off because it makes me feel like I'm overreacting or something.

Maybe it's that goddamn anxiety kicking in again. Fuck. *takes rhodiola pills*

Anyways so I guess a few small-ish things have been happening:

JOB

Legit wanna quit lol.  I feel how Midori feels with her job.

They gave me a new position (checking quality control on bulk production as my main job AND I'm still partially doing my initial job but with the other team) after my friend put in her notice.

They're closing down my entire department and hired some person in Washington instead to replace my friend and opened an office there.. I know ... wtf right?  So stupid. Shipping and shit is gonna cost them a fucking arm and leg. HELLOO that's why LA ports are IMPORTANT!  Because they're ports for ships and not everything has to get aired in.... 

Anyways so they gave me more responsibility and I technically have a new position now (production manager or some shit idk) but they didn't give a raise.. didn't even mention it.

I'm gonna bring it up next week sometime.

If they don't give me one I'll be forced to give my notice.

Hell no way I'm going to get more responsibilities and not get paid for it. 

So yeah, I'm literally in the same boat as you, Midori!! LOL.  *suffers together*

What ever shall we do??? WHAT IS LIFE.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I talked to a former coworker couple days ago and he says he has a lot of friends/customers who want him to make techpacks and stuff for them but he's been sending them to another ex-coworker as freelance projects. and he's been sending so many people to her that now she's overwhelmed LOL.

So he asked if I wanted to do some more freelance :''') I was like HELL YEAH. 

So hopefully I get some more gigs from that and I can just do freelance only!!

Dream come true...

We'll see how it goes :) I'm pretty stoked about that.

BOYFRIEND

Things have also been kind of turbulent with JayKay*

I mean we always talk through our problems and everything is always fine in the end but we've been having a lot of "talks" lately and I've been having a lot of crying tantrums ... ;_; I'm a freaking crybaby lol.

I think both our jobs and his family as well is causing a lot of stress so sometimes we take it out on each other unintentionally. It sucks...

I know he loves me a lot, I don't doubt that at all.

He even changed the date of his India trip for me because I told him I was sad I was going to be alone on Christmas/New Years. So he changed it so that he'd be home for both holidays ;'')

His mom is having tension with his dad though. She wants to go to India but his dad doesn't want her to go because he said his mom (JayKay's grandma) is still feeling tension from their divorce and isn't prepared to see her ex-daughter-in-law. She acted rebellious and decided to go anyways lol. Now JayKay is mad at her for acting irrationally just to spite his dad. Goddamn family drama -_- Anyways they're divorced and hate each other so that makes sense.  Hopefully it fixes itself soon...

And the other thing we've been having is one night he picked me up to come over and it was really late when we woke up. He had to still drive me back home but he got kind of irritated because it was so far to drive me back home.

He told me a few days later he felt a bit irritated about it.

I got mad and said he's selfish and doesn't want to pick me up.

But he said it's unfair because when he picks me up he has to drive back and forth like 4 times while if I drive myself to  his house, I only have to drive 2 times.

But I'm like ... you have a damn Prius -_-

But I guess he doesn't want to put to many miles on his car since it's new and that will raise his insurance also.. Idk it's complicated.

Anyways we talked through it and all is fine now since he said he was just feeling cranky that day from being tired and also he LIKES picking me up, just doesn't like dropping me off because he's losing me and also has to drive back alone ;''(

And we both agreed that him picking me up and me driving there is sorta the same thing since my car wastes a lot of gas vs. his car which doesn't. So his 4 times is same as my 2 times LOL.

Anyways I like him picking me up ._.

I also can see how I would be cranky too though if I had to drive him back home at like 4 am in the morning lol.

Anyways we're okay now. I'm glad we were able to talk through everything as usual and we always try to improve the situation and make things better.

I like that we are really honest with each other and constructive in our solutions.

He's an amazing person and always trying to better himself and that really inspires me.

and he's got such a good heart. Even if he doesn't know it.

EX-BOYFRIEND

I did a bad thing, you guys. I did a really bad thing.

I randomly thought about Cha one day and I remembered we used to keep a blog about each other back when we first started dating.

I randomly checked it one day last week and I found out ..

he's been blogging about me ever since we broke up...!!!!!

I had no idea ... I really thought he just deleted the blog.

anyways I did a bad and read everything he wrote....from the breakup till now.

Gosh the ones in the beginning of the breakup was really bad...but I expected that of course and I understand why he wrote those things ... even if they were really negative and some of them downright mean. Especially this part which made me really upset for a few days after reading:

She said she tried to find me attractive and it didn’t work. I never saw her as perfection reincarnated but she was cute and full of energy. She had her flaws and while she wasn’t the skinniest girl nor had the sexiest figure, I learned to love her for all her curves and imperfections. I had a hard time with sex sometimes because maybe I wasn’t that attracted to her either, but I tried my best and she grew on me. I accepted her for who she is and her personality and for me, that was enough to turn me on. There’s always been the stereotype that guys are shallow and only want hot girls, but here I am, dumped because I’m not hot enough. “You wouldn’t pursue a girl you didn’t find attractive right?” She asked. I didn’t want to say that I pursued her, it would hurt too much. Instead I nodded silently and agreed. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive, it was just that she wasn’t the level of attractiveness that I would have prefered. “It’s fine, we’re all going to be old and wrinkly anyways, I just want a good ride there.” I just wanted someone fun, smart, funny, and engaging–someone to be my best friend through life. And if that friend wants to fuck, then even better. I guess she never understood that part. It’s just disappointing that I never gave up on her no matter how difficult it was to be with her, and that I learned to look past her imperfections yet she was too strung up on mine. I gave my best efforts while she had already given up before it even began. That was a hard realization for me.

I guess he lied to me all this time too? About how attractive he found me?

and he was angry AT ME for lying to myself/him about it?

When all this time he felt that way too.. that really hurts. 

How could he hold it against me when he felt the same way.

Then I got really angry because 

HEY i think I look pretty damn good so what the hell is he shit-talking about?

And does he think he's a fucking sex god? I'm not good enough for him?

As if he could get someone sooo much better? FUCK YOU, that's what, I am amazing and sexy and I didn't ask to be attacked. Nor did I attack your physical body..so that was horribly uncalled for.

And anyone on a higher "level of attractiveness" that he yearns for SOOO MUCH would just be a porn star with fake tits or a stupid ABG with shit ton of makeup anyways. I always knew he liked ABGs, but I don't think he realizes he's just as shallow as he accuses me of being and can't even see that they are fake and not natural. Pffftttt. Stupid idiot.

And are you kidding me? I never told him I wanted to breakup because he was UGLY. I never said that. I said we didn't have chemistry I wanted.

WE DIDNT HAVE SEXUAL ATTRACTION and it's true because he just admitted it himself above that he also had trouble in bed!!

Which just means that it's true we had trouble with sex.

And sex is vitally important in a relationship.

If you don't have good sexual compatibility then why are you even a couple?

That's the difference between a lover and a friend - that's why the friendzone exists.

And I don't think he understands that (sexual chemistry) because he's an idiot and thinks there's no such thing as chemistry and passion so he reverts to jsut thinking I rejected his physical form.

Which yes - there was some of that. But the MAIN reason was we were not sexually passionate or compatible. If he could just see that and accept and understand it he would understand my reasons completely and not be so damn butthurt about it.

I didn't do it to PURPOSELY HURT HIM !! I didn't go "sorry well you're not hot enough for me imma dump you to get a hotter guy" ... my reasoning was I really honestly want him to find someone who will love him in all the ways that I couldn't AND who will have sexual compatibility with him!! He never seemed to understand that. I did it FOR HIM! And yes, for me too but because I felt we BOTH DESERVED to be completely accepted and loved and have an amazing, passionate love life! I never did it based on purely physical looks. If I did, then I would have just cheated on him with any hot guy I ever saw and I would never be satisfied...

And I know what I believed it's true because my relationship with JayKay proved that passion and sexual chemistry exists more than anything.

I DO think JayKay is perfection and I think he's a sexiest thing I ever seen and he feels the same way about me. Passion is something we are never lacking and that's because we have compatibility!

And everyday, I just find him more and more attractive, which just proves my point even more: if I only liked him physically then my attraction to him would diminish over time (as I have experienced in the past with other exes) but instead my attraction to him only grows!

So yes, I'm right about sexual chemistry and he's an ASSHOLE for saying I'm not sexy enough for him... when I wasn't even talking about physical looks, 

but rather the energy and chemistry between us. 

So he just attacked my physicality without even understanding I was never even talking about that.

Gosh, freaking asshole.

UUUUGHHHHH.

I know it's in the past but it pisses me off how he thought of me as such as horrible person but this whole time he was the horrible one too. Fucking hypocrite UGHHHHH. So angry now.

Good luck getting your stupid ABG girlfriend!

DENTIST

So I'm gonna end this super long post (sorry) on a good note instead of the angry stuff about my ex lol (sorry again).

So I went to the dentist the other day and my dentist was super cute and friendly. and also flirting like mad with me ... hahahaha. Good to know I'm still good on the market.

Dentist: So are you still in highschool?

Me: WHAT. I just graduated college LOL. I'm 22...

Dentist: Oh! you look young, I guess that's a good thing! I'm 27.

Me: Oh you look ... 25?

Dentist: LOL.  So what did you study in school?

Me: Fashion Design.

Dentist: ohhh so that's why your style is so nice... ;)

Me: Wat (Thanks)

Dentist: You have a really pretty name.

Me: Wat (Thanks)

 -10 minutes later-

Me: So what days is your guys' periodontist in? I wanted to get a second opinion from her...

Dentist: You need something for periodontist?

Me: yeah... I have Stage 1 of periodontitis... you didn't notice?

Dentist: Really? Let me see...

Me: *shows him my gums*

Dentist: that doesn't look bad at all! I'll just do a really good cleaning for you and the dentist will come and take a look and give you advice on what to do. I'm sure you'll be fine.  It really doesn't look bad - you're too young. And I didn't even have to wear a mask when I was taking your X-rays which meant your mouth doesn't even smell bad~

Me: oh.. really? 

Dentist: Yeah, you'll be just fine, don't worry. *continues to be super gentle and sweet the whole time cleaning my teeth while flirting with me and all I can do is make hmm-ing and grunting noises in reply*

 -5 minutes later-

Dentist: *cleaning a spot behind my teeth and it hurts really bad and I flinch from the pain*   

Dentist: Are you doing alright? 

Me: Mmhmm

Dentist: you're a tough girl

Me: *literally drooling since he's got a bunch of tools in my mouth and my mouth is gaping open lol*

I love gentle, sweet doctors/dentists... they make me feel not so stressed out and worried and everything will be okay in the end... ahhhhhhh~

I guess that means they're doing their job right! All the doctors I had at the hospital were all like this too.. so soothing and calming and reassuring ~

Why so freaking kawaii and sweet?

his name is Michael Aycock.

AAYYEEE COCK!

A blurry road ahead

So my close friend/coworker quit last Friday and put in her two weeks notice.
Honestly, I'm so happy for her because she got a new gig and everything with amazing pay, it's like 10 mins from her house and in a really good, structured company with good people. And benefits! Like 401k, health, vacation etc.
It's like pretty damn close to a dream job in the fashion industry anyways. I'm really stoked for her because she'll finally be happy and less stressed about her career, which will make me happy to see her happy!

But I'm feeling really worried and scared about my future in the company that I'm at now.
It's her last two weeks and this whole time since I started working there we've been each other's support team and always venting with each other and giving the other advice and stuff whenever we're stressed out about work and stuff.  It really helps to release stress when we're getting anxiety attacks at work and just getting really upset about work or our bosses.

Well now that she's going to be leaving, I feel really weird....and kind of sad....

• For one, I feel like everyone is moving on and I'm getting left behind ... (two other close friends of mine already quit to go to other jobs and two other coworkers got fired!) I don't wanna be left all alone AAAHHHHHH. It's gonna be hell.
• Secondly, I'm gonna lose pretty much my entire support team and I won't be able to talk/vent/confide in anyone (which helps me stay less stressed at work).  And work just won't be fun at all anymore! She's the only one that I laugh and mess around with all day and it makes the job bearable. Other people barely talk to me or they're just all dead quiet.
• Thirdly, I won't even know where I stand in the company or what the hell my job/role is going to be anymore since I worked directly under her and she gave me most of the guidance and direction and instructions, etc...and since  she's leaving, they're closing down my entire department and moving the whole thing to Colorado where my top boss works remotely from. So what the hell will I even be doing?!  I might not even HAVE a job/role since they're removing my freaking entire department?!

So I'm just really worried and freaking out about this. I'm really dreading what life is going to be like once she's gone and what kind of atmosphere it will turn into for me without someone to TALK to. I really don't want to be even more depressed about work ... because I ALREADY AM depressed about it enough as it is!

So idk... I don't really know what to do?

I mean if it gets too bad should I just quit without having another job lined up? Or should I just start applying now and then hopefully get another job and just switch over ASAP??

AAAHHHHH I'm gonna die from anxiety and stress.

Updates on me~!

Cafeclouds here~~

So i've been driving to school~ its pretty chill i guess. i get to take my time in the morning and stuff >>

Ughhhh, i seriously have SMTOWN withdrawal symptoms guys...its pretty bad... like i get all depressed over it for no reason lol TAT i just keep wishing i could go back in time and be there again. i miss them so much.

Oh my god T___T

Taemin, SHINee, suju...everyone.. 

i know it might just seem like a fandom/obsession/phase to you guys,

but it means so much more to me.

Yeah, i think they're really gorgeous and they sing amazingly and stuff like that, but for me it kind of goes beyond that.

To be honest, they are sometimes the real reason i still wake up in the morning.

I know it might sound weird...but kpop idols ... they are amazing to me.

For now its SHINee and Super Junior that inspire me the most.

They are my inspiration for living and for going on everyday, no matter how hard it is because i know they all work themselves to death and still look amazing on stage.

I can see Taemin's eyebags getting darker everyday and I can hear jonghyun's voice getting more and more strained with every Lucifer performance, but I know they worked so fucking hard to reach their dreams ... and are still working their butts off.

and that inspires me so much.

Did you know Taemin gets bullied in school.

YEah, thats right, 

he's a fucking pop idol, and he juggles working, attending meets, singing on stage at concerts, goes to variety shows, radio shows, photoshoots, a nameless bunch of other CRAP and still has to go to fucking school and to top it off he gets BULLIED.

girls won't ever leave him alone and are always pestering him/stalking him/won't let him get past to go to class....and other kids make fun of him, call him names, and even throw things at him

I want to fucking kill them all and rip their faces off .... but it seriously brings tears to my eyes that he is so strong to keep moving on and still working hard....

I just hope he doesn't like get too affected by the bullying that he's one of those k-celebs who suicide..

omg *knock on wood!!!!*

Just kidding, i know Taemin is a happy little kid and he'll never do that (:

I want to be like them -- strong and successful and happy but hardworking at the same time,

Did you know like 5 members of Super junior almost got killed in a car crash like a couple years ago?

they were on their way back from one of the member's father's FUNERAL. and got in a car crash where they were almost killed.

They all broke a bunch of bones and were hospitalized for a long time.

The other members took care of them and they still kept working hard.

That just breaks my heart that they try so hard all the time and they work together to care for each other and i so wish i could have that so....

They inspire and sometimes are the only reason i even care to keep going on in this life.

And since i met them -- in PERSON in front of me, sweat, blood, flesh, tears, the real deal ;;; everything just hasn't been the same.

I wish i could see them again.

It just means so much to me.

*sigh* I really miss SMTOWN.

I miss Taemin ):

 he was so fucking beautiful and perfect....:/

And this might be kind of like pathetic to you guys...

but when lei broke up with me, i felt like i got over it right away (well not the first day, but after that and on), and i acted like it too, 

but i think i actually had really acute depression and I didn't even know it.

You wanna know who got me out of it and from hurting myself?

Big Bang.

Yeah.

No offense, i'm not saying you guys didn't help me or anything, it's just that you guys didn't even KNOW i was depressed and like emo lol... hell, ::::I::::: didn't even know so its fine ..

but i'm just saying that....

I discovered big bang and they saved me.

so they just all mean a lot to me T__T

For bitches who suck and didn't read/comment on my SMTOWN fan account...better do so now (:

http://pedonoona.blogspot.com/

~~~

OMG THIS SHIT MAKES MY LIFE WORTH LIVING AHHAHAHA SO FUCKING HILARIOUS AND CUTE and FUNNNN!!!!!

http://www.mediafire.com/?tlv3d9339aa5b

Download the SHINee ones on the second page (:

~~~

Ummm i think livejournal totally died, guys lol @_@ Ummm like i think all my lj friends totally went AWOL and MIA O-o Umm so i'm just gonna be posting on here a lot more XD LUCKY FOR YOU guys -- you get all my pointless spam now...even if it has to do with a bunch of kpop crap. i expect you to read it too hahaha :DD BECAUSE YOU ALL LOVE ME, BITCHES.

D:<

~~~

SO I'm applying to Cal State Long Beach on the FIRST DAY OF OCTOBER since thats the day they are staring to accept applications @____@ I hope i get in lol @___@ just a heads up for you guys, you should check the colleges' sites that you might wanna attend and check out the application dates for them before its too late!!! Good luck (: Lets all get into the schools we want~! (:

~~~

MIDORI, DO. NOT. WATCH. TOO. MANY. FANCAMS. OF. SMTOWN.

it will make you forget the feeling of being there faster and then you will get really bad withdrawal lol ~_~

it happened to my friend T__T

~~~

So tell me how was your first and second week of senior year??

Mine was okay i guess...kind of strange..

but i feel like i have so much more freedom of expression...I just act like however i want/do what i want...and i dress/do my hair how i want and i really don't care what people say lol.

I bring around a bookbag to put my binder/books in and i guess it makes me look really asian or something lol but i really don't care.

I just find that i really DO NOT CARE @_@

SENIORITIS IS COMING ALREADY AHAHAHHAHA

I wore my hair all korean today with a little ponytail on top of my head today with a little bow and i THINK IT WAS SUPER CUTE and fuck bitches who didn't like it.

FUCK BITCHES who didnt like my pedonoona shirt too . they can suck my dick.

LOL :D

And all my folders/notebooks/eVERYTHING is pimped out with kpop stuff and i kind of don't give a rat's ass if people think i'm too obsessed/weird either cuz taemin's face everywhere makes me really fucking happy you have no idea<3

~~~

Anything new to look forward to, guys?

WE have Teatime's and Kimlink's birthdays coming up soon and what are we planning for halloween?

We definitely gotta get together for Halloween ((:

Ummmm what else is coming up?? >>;;

Any other big events? 

I feel like so pointless after SMTOWN like i have no other big exciting things to look forward to T^T

I will try to think of more things lol ... to keep me going ~ and not give up on school lol @_@

I need to sleep now...its 9:30PM lol. i wake up at 5:20AM though so i gotta sleep now if i wanna be able to wake up tomorrow ><

I need Teatime to finish her post!! THAT WHORE! :D

Love you guys!

post moar about your lives soon~~

I'm outt!