A blurry road ahead

So my close friend/coworker quit last Friday and put in her two weeks notice.
Honestly, I'm so happy for her because she got a new gig and everything with amazing pay, it's like 10 mins from her house and in a really good, structured company with good people. And benefits! Like 401k, health, vacation etc.
It's like pretty damn close to a dream job in the fashion industry anyways. I'm really stoked for her because she'll finally be happy and less stressed about her career, which will make me happy to see her happy!

But I'm feeling really worried and scared about my future in the company that I'm at now.
It's her last two weeks and this whole time since I started working there we've been each other's support team and always venting with each other and giving the other advice and stuff whenever we're stressed out about work and stuff.  It really helps to release stress when we're getting anxiety attacks at work and just getting really upset about work or our bosses.

Well now that she's going to be leaving, I feel really weird....and kind of sad....

• For one, I feel like everyone is moving on and I'm getting left behind ... (two other close friends of mine already quit to go to other jobs and two other coworkers got fired!) I don't wanna be left all alone AAAHHHHHH. It's gonna be hell.
• Secondly, I'm gonna lose pretty much my entire support team and I won't be able to talk/vent/confide in anyone (which helps me stay less stressed at work).  And work just won't be fun at all anymore! She's the only one that I laugh and mess around with all day and it makes the job bearable. Other people barely talk to me or they're just all dead quiet.
• Thirdly, I won't even know where I stand in the company or what the hell my job/role is going to be anymore since I worked directly under her and she gave me most of the guidance and direction and instructions, etc...and since  she's leaving, they're closing down my entire department and moving the whole thing to Colorado where my top boss works remotely from. So what the hell will I even be doing?!  I might not even HAVE a job/role since they're removing my freaking entire department?!

So I'm just really worried and freaking out about this. I'm really dreading what life is going to be like once she's gone and what kind of atmosphere it will turn into for me without someone to TALK to. I really don't want to be even more depressed about work ... because I ALREADY AM depressed about it enough as it is!

So idk... I don't really know what to do?

I mean if it gets too bad should I just quit without having another job lined up? Or should I just start applying now and then hopefully get another job and just switch over ASAP??

AAAHHHHH I'm gonna die from anxiety and stress.

being an adult

is a tough life.
Bills, rent, werking two jobs.  but I am relatively happy. My job stresses me out a lot though, I cried today at work.. my bosses are kind of psychopaths.  There are times when I want to just walk out, and times when I think: hey -this ain't so bad.  It fluctuates a lot :/  I'll just stay here until I can't stand it anymore.

Right now, I have a lot more responsibilities... but taking them one day at a time.
And I'm still going out and enjoying myself.  And of course the love life is going pretty well so there's that.

Doing freelance is a lot of fun too, although it feels like I'm really working two jobs and takes a lot out of me when I have busy days..it's okay though! I'm going to stick with the day job for now, and do freelance on the side until they take me on board full time!  If I crack at the day job, I'll just leave, take it easy, and just do freelance. I have some risk-taking room since I'm still living at home currently.

How is everyone's adult lives going?
I know the struggle is seriously real.

But I think we can do it.

Just try your best, and try to enjoy the journey along the way.

The most important thing is being happy while you're on your journey!

If you don't have happiness, then money means nothing!  I'd rather become a beach bum on an island than be miserable :)


Let's start posting again if possible

I guess the blog is coming back up to life~

Anyways, I'm glad it is back (: I missed blogging on here~

and

THE NEW HEADER IS SO CUTE I COULD SHIT RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS~!!

LOL :D good job, tea. and yes, annie would definitely be the one to make the soluation explode ahahahah :D 
I LOVE MY FUCKIN HAIR ITS SO CUTE OMG DIES.

it's super adorable and i changed my poupee thing :))

~~~
MY FUCKING TICKETS CAME AND THEY ARE LOVELY AND GORGEOUS SLKDJGSKJ. 
I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED GUYS THERE'S ONLY 8 DAYS LEFT LSJDSIJHLIW$YJ.

~~~

Hmmm i don't have a deep story like Tea to post XD But I do have pictures to post of random crap 8DDDDDD

ALSO I AM SO EXCITE FOR THIS WEEKEND OMG SHITTING BRICKS.

So many things to do~~~ Koreatown...photoshoot....<3

YES I AM GOING TO FUCKING BUY THE LUCIFER ALBUM IN KTOWN I don't even care anymore wtf.

and believe it or not, this is the first kpop album i will purchase.
Like literally the first one O_o
Of course i've always wanted to buy a suju or big bang one,
i just never felt the compelling force to buy it as strongly as Lucifer~

I have a secret. 
I REALLY DISLIKED SHINEE IN THE BEGINNING.
yup, that's my super scandalous secrettttt >____>
I don't know why,
but i just remember that...
I couldn't understand WHY IN THE WORLD
everyone was soooo obsessed with SHINee.
My old Lj friends would probably remember the days
when i tried really hard to get into them but i just couldn't.
I thought they all looked like clones of each other and their
music was not appealing to me and i didn't even like jonghyun's voice.
;__________________;
thinking about it now makes me sad on how much awesomeness
i missed out on.
It's really ironic, honestly.
Like i really could not get into their music back then, but when i listen
to their old music now, i find that i love it really much ;____;
Anyways, I still have nooo idea what happened
and how come one day i just suddenly turned 360 degrees around the other way
and fell head over heels in love with SHINee.
Now they are everything to me.
and they have taken over my heart.
I can't remember the last time i was this obsessed with a kpop band...
probably 3 years ago when i got into Suju at first.
Now i find them so lovely, perfect, gorgeous, talented, amazing, and precious.
I love them so much and they mean so much to me
I need this album in my life right now and...
I want to support SHINee ... <3
Taemin has become my ultimate bias standing beside Heechul and TOP
and i've barely grown to like him this much in a month.
I still can't understand what happened to me or why I suddenly
fell in love with SHINee and Taemin the precious Maknae,
But they've changed my life in the short time of a couple months
and I never want to go back.

;______________________;


~~
so i bought super cute shit for school shit and idk it makes me happy to have cute shit at school cuz it makes me more motivated XDD
 





MY NEW FUCKIN PLANNERYEAH THATS RIGHT. i bought tons of korean stickers and just decorate the hell out of this when i'm bored XD see that little rabbit/dog on there going *___* ? Well thats matched up with  the smtown thing on my calendar and IT TOTALLY FITS WHAT MY REACTION IS XD


oh i bought cute keychain shit for my phone too~ and  i put taemin's pic and geun suk's on there :DDDDD



I just have one thing to kind of rant about..... is Lolly(check glossary)...... :/// so idk what the hell is going on with her she keeps on hanging out with that new friend of hers named CP (glossary again) and whenever we go ANYWHERE to try to hang out with lolly, CP is ALWAYS  fucking there. like seriously? I really can't take that much. So for like the fifth time now, we were trying to hang out with Lolly and CP is there again.. I have no problem against CP cuz she seems nice and all...but like she's taking away my best friend and I don't like it one bit. When we went shopping the other day, all Lolly did was hang out with CP and just kept walking off with her..and she didnt even talk to me or like SHOP with me or anything...WTF is going on. And maybe Lolly is forced to hang out with her since her dad is dating CP's mom but that still doesnt explain why this entire week CP's been sleeping at Lolly's house.. LIKE SERIOUSLY, what in the actual fuck? I just feel so angry cuz she just like waltzed into her life and like took her away from me and now i can't even hang out with my best friend without her being there. They need to figure their shit out cuz i'm only so patient -___- I mean, is some random chick you know for a few months more important than your best friend you've known for 6 years? JUST FEEL LIKE ITS UNFAIR and i feel replaced ... ;______; basically last night was open mic night again in Long beach and i always go with lin but because i heard that CP and Lolly were both going together again, I just  completely felt like not going anymore. I can see it alrdy... I would have gone there and been totally alone because they (lolly and CP) would just talk and  Lin invited Lei again which makes me more angry and then lin would just talk to him and I'd be a fucking loner and WTF is going on jesus christ ://  I really don't know if i should just confront Lolly and be like can we just hang out with you for one day without her tagging along? Or maybe she will tell me CP's her best friend now and she doesn't even care about us anymore. Well that's fine too, she just needs to tell us or something and be fucking straightforward cause i hate people who are wishy-washy. and CP BETTER FUCKING NOT BE GOING TO THE PHOTOSHOOT ON SUNDAY I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CUT A BITCH :| *phew* Feel better now after letting it all out >> ~~   yay enough angry rambling! excited for the weekend and I will talk to you guys later~ :D

(we need more gifs like these AHAHHAH XD)

I have not been alive the past week.

I WANT THE NEW LAYOUT TO BE BLUE. (:
So anyways. here is my "Shit just got real" and "serious business" post, guys :///
I didn't talk about this for a while on here cuz i wasnt sure if i should post about it ..
but i guess i will now :/
Sooo ummm like a lot of things happened >_>;
Well a couple days after my birthday,
I was watching my korean dramas online ..
and it was like midnight but i lost track of time, and i didnt know it was midnight.
Then my dad comes in my room and he was drunk.
So he started to yell at me for being up so late on the computer
and i said that i just lost track of time cuz i was seeing a movie.
And he was like "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON THE COMPUTER"
and i said "I WASN'T. I WAS SEWING THE WHOLE TIME. I BARELY WATCHED A LITTLE BIT"
and then he got all pissed for no reason
so then he was like "you're always on the computer after you get home and then all you do is ride your bike, where do you go anyways?"
And i was like 
quiet.
Cuz i was kind of tired of lying. I usually say that i'm going over to you guys' house most of the time.
but then i just got quiet.
and he like screamed at me "WHO'S HOUSE DO YOU GO TO EVERYDAY?!"
and i said
"panda"
:////
And then things just got CRAZY and out of hand from there.
then he started to like scream at me some more and saying why do i have to go  to his house and he was like 
I forbid you to ever contact him ever again, hear me?
And i didn't want to listen to him,
because I'm not going to cut ties with panda just cuz of my dad.
Then i didnt say anything and he kept saying "DO YOU HEAR ME!?"
and i didint say anything.
So he tried to strangle me. and like choke me. (but i was fine even though he tried to choke me.. i could still breathe.)
so i just sat there and let him strangle me.
And then he was hitting my head and stuff, and he tried to push my face down onto the bed so i wouldnt be able to breathe and then i would like suffocate or whatever.
and he kept screaming and screaming and i just sat there like a statue. I didnt feel panicked or scared at  all. I felt calm for some reason
and then lin came in and she was like crying/screaming at him to stop and she was trying to stop him.
But it went on for about 5 minutes
and lin was finally like "just say it, or he's gonna kill us all"
or something like that.
So finally i was like "Yeah, I hear you"
and then he stopped.
then started screaming at me again and like he crushed the box that panda made for me .. the big one? He tried to break my computer by throwing it on the ground.
And i  just stared at the ground. I don't think i really cared what happened because in my head i kept thinking "once this is all over i will just run away with panda"
And it made me feel calm.
So he was screaming at me and slapping my face and stuff and i didnt say anything. and he called me a whore/slut becaues he thinks that i come to panda's house to have sex 24/7 or something
But i didnt say anything
And then he went crazy some more and got to mad he almost had a heart attack.
So he went outside to calm down/have a smoke
and then my brothers and lin went outside too to calm him down and he started crying cuz he was like everyone around him always hurts him
and stuff like that.
And i just stood there.
So then after like 10 minutes he came back in and started talking more calmly.
But then he was like "if you still want to hang out with him, then you can tell him to come over once a week, but you cant leave the house anymore"
and then he called me a whore again.
And after like another half hour of lecture and getting yelled at, he went to sleep.
And i was going to call panda back to tell him what happened, cuz he was calling me while i was getting lectured.
But i was lying on my bed and i just fell asleep.
The next morning was saturday, so i called panda and told him everything, but he was really silent.
I guess he was sad that i got hit so much.
Anyways, so i told him that i really wanted to leave this time (we actually talked about this before)
and he said that he would go with me.
We were making plans about running away.
I'm not kidding or anything, cuz we made plans about getting on a train, and everything
We were going to run away to Canada -- he has like family there and $4000 in a savings account or something
and yeah.
I was looking up routes that trains took to get to canada and stuff.
I was packing my bags too.
Clothes and stuff, you know?
We really were gonna leave.
Then panda went to his saturday viet class or whatever, and then i got a strange text
from a weird number that said "Are you okay?"
And i was like "Who is this"
"It's Lei. Are you hurt?"
"No. did v tell you ? She didnt call me yet"
"She told me earlier.  She was going to call you but hasn't yet."
"Goodbye. I'm leaving now"
"Are you really going to leave this time?"
"Bye"
"You shouldnt do it. Don't run away from your problems"
"Don't tell me what to do.  Please stop texting me, you'll get me in trouble some more" He pissed me off cuz he can't even understand why i was leaving. We weren't RUNNING AWY FROM OUT PROBLEMS -- we were leaving in search of freedom and a better life where i wouldn't get abused.
I hate ppl who try to tell other ppl what to do cuz they think they know everything.
I think its really annoying.
so then he was like
"I was giving you advice. Sorry for texting you"
And then i stopped talking to him.


At noon, panda called me and was like "I didnt realize we were going to leave this soon"
and he told me about how he was scared we might not make it and end up on the streets or something cuz he didnt know if we were prepared..and he thought we were going to leave in the future when we were more financially stable and stuff.
And i got kind of upset because i honestly didn't want to be there in that prison anymore.
It's the same as a prison.
But i figured panda was right because i didnt really want us to fail at running away and then have to COME BACK which i would rather die.
So i havent gone over to panda's house for the past two weeks and things have been kind of hard...
But we try, and I barely get to leave the house.
So thats why i dont get exercise anymore (it used to be riding the bike everyday) so i play DDR instead.
....
So,
shit just got real, huh?
More updates on this later~ I have more stuff to talk about ~ :/
So yeah.
I just wonder how every body would react if i really did leave?




~~~~~
EDIT: Oh yeah midori already spoiled it but yet i cut my hair (: I just cut my bangs
Pics asap when i get home ^__^