NEW CHAPTER: 2 Years Later.

Hey ladies, how are you guys? Its been quite a while since we've posted on here and I've been itching to write lately.
I know we talk irl about a lot of issues that are going on in our daily lives and we don't live that far from each other anymore, but sometimes I find it difficult to talk about certain things irl. Sometimes I feel the need to express my thoughts through writing.

Its been 2 years since I've moved back down to Socal, there was a lot that was going on but there was a lot that also felt empty. I'm working a steady job but I don't feel any growth coming from there, I'm back at school but still hesitant on the direction I should take, I have a place to live with cheap rent but I'm unhappy and feel confined there, and I have so much I want to do but I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to take steps forward. The constant push and pull of keeping a steady and safe lifestyle versus stepping out of my comfort zone to make myself enjoy life more leaves me stuck in the middle and afraid.

When I came back down, I thought that the most important thing was for me to try and finish school. But I'm beginning to think that I'm just not cut out for sitting in a room, listening, test taking, memorizing. I feel this burning desire to learn but not in that way. I want the experience, I want to do not to sit and listen. Then I think to myself, well what can I do? I'm good at keeping track of numbers, I like to see things moving, I like to create. The only thing I wish I could do was art.

Things at home are suffocating, I feel confined to my room and Healthnut's nagging is starting to get to me as well as Matcha's passive aggressiveness. I want to cook when I want without feeling like I'm disturbing/imposing on people, I want to be able to use a living room to work without someone yelling at a basketball game, and I want to be able decorate and make it feel like home. My room just feels confined and trapped and when I go home I lose all motivation to do anything. I'm not exactly sure what I can do in this regard except take my work elsewhere. With Tea and I not being able to move out this December, I'll just have to deal with it. I do wish we could get some sort of creative space to work on our things though.

In regards to work, I'll do what I need to to survive and pay bills. I'm on the lookout for another better paying job, but work isn't super stressful right now and people aren't as annoying either. Not like it was before I left for my SA trip thank goodness.

I have a project that I really wanted to get started on and I've actually already started trying to sketch it out so I can get it done by mid October. I want to make enamel pins of two Splatoon characters so I can sell them when I go to lans. I want to dip my toes in doing some artwork and design work. I'll probably have Tea fix up my designs for me so they actually look good and not chickenshit. The only issues of course is money. I could afford it now since Tea and I aren't planning on moving out soon and of course I'm hoping to make back the money. I think this is a good way to try and move forward and do something that I've been want to do for awhile now.

There's a lot more that I want to express but maybe on another day. I'm not hoping to bring this blog back but today I just felt like typing out things.

My Life

Sorry I've been MIA again :(

Things have been busy and stressful for me as well. 

Work

So work is the same as always. They keep calling me in on my days off, I also got some shifts over at the other mall I'm working at. SO this month's check should be fat as fuck. 

So apparently our head manager is trying to change her ways after the meeting they had confronting her on her habits and shit. She also pulled me aside and apologized for the one shitty shift I worked with her. I used this opportunity to confront her as well and tell her all shit I was thinking and what I felt like we needed to improve. Hopefully...

Future

So I'm thinking really hard about my future right now and what is actually a realistic plan. I'm giving myself two more chances to get into the AppAcademy, one date in January and the other one in March. Basically if I don't get in by March I'm going to move back to Socal. I still want to do programming and I really enjoy it, I honestly believe it is the best path for me.

In my current living situation its honestly way too stressful and unstable for me and I'm in so much debt I cannot concentrate fully on what I need to do. Plus I find myself super depressed a lot of the time and missing my family and friends back home (you guys). As much as I love it up here and feel like I'm failing if move back home, its going to be whats best for me in terms of mental stability and health. I know one day I'll probably move back to Norcal if I land a good programming job. For now that is my plan. I definitely jumped into the adult life too quickly, but then again I thought I was going to have the support of a certain someone tbh. Thats on me tho.

NO RAGRETS

Programming

I'm going to be focusing a lot of programming the next few months to try to get into AppAcademy and I'm afraid I won't be able to come down the month of October and November. I'm sorry I'm missing out on your birthday again this year Tea, but I really need to save the money. :( 

I can't put if off any longer, no matter what happens I need to focus on programming and not give myself anymore excuses. If I can't do it by that time then its not going to happen anytime soon.

Love Life

What can I say...I have none. HAHAHAHAHA *cries

But you know what? I'm perfectly okay with that. I have so much more I need to worry about, I don't have time to spare on love right now. 

Sometimes I do get lonely and wonder if I'll be with anyone, but thats just the way it is. If there happens to be someone who comes my way and blows me away, then thats great! I feel like even after all I went through with Peniscola I'm thankful for the experience I had with him. Sure it was extremely heartbreaking and I almost lost myself, but it made me a more confident person. I know what I want out of a relationship AND how a relationship is suppose to work. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and I don't want to do things half-assed, so until I meet to right person where we both give it all or nothing, I'm not going to sit there and be depressed about it.

Needless to say I'm not the same person I was two years ago. All of my experiences since then has helped me improve myself and I'll always be thankful for them no matter how hard it gets. I'm developing myself and growing up with every person I meet and with every mistake I make. I think its good to keep that in mind as we all tackle through our twenties. We are all struggling to establish ourselves right now for the rest of our lives. Although we make a lot of mistakes everyday and stress out like shit about the future, its important to never lose sight of what you actually want and what will make you happy. Sometimes you have to take a few steps back to move forward and thats okay.

stranger things have happened

you know sometimes you feel so internally turbulent and messed up but in reality nothing huge is happening in your life? (as in a breakup, family member being sick, or getting fired kind of huge event I mean).

That's how I feel right now.

Inside I feel horrendously restless and anxious and dreading everything ahead of me.

But in reality... the events in my life are not catastrophic or life-changing.

I don't know why sometimes I get like this but it pisses me the hell off because it makes me feel like I'm overreacting or something.

Maybe it's that goddamn anxiety kicking in again. Fuck. *takes rhodiola pills*

Anyways so I guess a few small-ish things have been happening:

JOB

Legit wanna quit lol.  I feel how Midori feels with her job.

They gave me a new position (checking quality control on bulk production as my main job AND I'm still partially doing my initial job but with the other team) after my friend put in her notice.

They're closing down my entire department and hired some person in Washington instead to replace my friend and opened an office there.. I know ... wtf right?  So stupid. Shipping and shit is gonna cost them a fucking arm and leg. HELLOO that's why LA ports are IMPORTANT!  Because they're ports for ships and not everything has to get aired in.... 

Anyways so they gave me more responsibility and I technically have a new position now (production manager or some shit idk) but they didn't give a raise.. didn't even mention it.

I'm gonna bring it up next week sometime.

If they don't give me one I'll be forced to give my notice.

Hell no way I'm going to get more responsibilities and not get paid for it. 

So yeah, I'm literally in the same boat as you, Midori!! LOL.  *suffers together*

What ever shall we do??? WHAT IS LIFE.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I talked to a former coworker couple days ago and he says he has a lot of friends/customers who want him to make techpacks and stuff for them but he's been sending them to another ex-coworker as freelance projects. and he's been sending so many people to her that now she's overwhelmed LOL.

So he asked if I wanted to do some more freelance :''') I was like HELL YEAH. 

So hopefully I get some more gigs from that and I can just do freelance only!!

Dream come true...

We'll see how it goes :) I'm pretty stoked about that.

BOYFRIEND

Things have also been kind of turbulent with JayKay*

I mean we always talk through our problems and everything is always fine in the end but we've been having a lot of "talks" lately and I've been having a lot of crying tantrums ... ;_; I'm a freaking crybaby lol.

I think both our jobs and his family as well is causing a lot of stress so sometimes we take it out on each other unintentionally. It sucks...

I know he loves me a lot, I don't doubt that at all.

He even changed the date of his India trip for me because I told him I was sad I was going to be alone on Christmas/New Years. So he changed it so that he'd be home for both holidays ;'')

His mom is having tension with his dad though. She wants to go to India but his dad doesn't want her to go because he said his mom (JayKay's grandma) is still feeling tension from their divorce and isn't prepared to see her ex-daughter-in-law. She acted rebellious and decided to go anyways lol. Now JayKay is mad at her for acting irrationally just to spite his dad. Goddamn family drama -_- Anyways they're divorced and hate each other so that makes sense.  Hopefully it fixes itself soon...

And the other thing we've been having is one night he picked me up to come over and it was really late when we woke up. He had to still drive me back home but he got kind of irritated because it was so far to drive me back home.

He told me a few days later he felt a bit irritated about it.

I got mad and said he's selfish and doesn't want to pick me up.

But he said it's unfair because when he picks me up he has to drive back and forth like 4 times while if I drive myself to  his house, I only have to drive 2 times.

But I'm like ... you have a damn Prius -_-

But I guess he doesn't want to put to many miles on his car since it's new and that will raise his insurance also.. Idk it's complicated.

Anyways we talked through it and all is fine now since he said he was just feeling cranky that day from being tired and also he LIKES picking me up, just doesn't like dropping me off because he's losing me and also has to drive back alone ;''(

And we both agreed that him picking me up and me driving there is sorta the same thing since my car wastes a lot of gas vs. his car which doesn't. So his 4 times is same as my 2 times LOL.

Anyways I like him picking me up ._.

I also can see how I would be cranky too though if I had to drive him back home at like 4 am in the morning lol.

Anyways we're okay now. I'm glad we were able to talk through everything as usual and we always try to improve the situation and make things better.

I like that we are really honest with each other and constructive in our solutions.

He's an amazing person and always trying to better himself and that really inspires me.

and he's got such a good heart. Even if he doesn't know it.

EX-BOYFRIEND

I did a bad thing, you guys. I did a really bad thing.

I randomly thought about Cha one day and I remembered we used to keep a blog about each other back when we first started dating.

I randomly checked it one day last week and I found out ..

he's been blogging about me ever since we broke up...!!!!!

I had no idea ... I really thought he just deleted the blog.

anyways I did a bad and read everything he wrote....from the breakup till now.

Gosh the ones in the beginning of the breakup was really bad...but I expected that of course and I understand why he wrote those things ... even if they were really negative and some of them downright mean. Especially this part which made me really upset for a few days after reading:

She said she tried to find me attractive and it didn’t work. I never saw her as perfection reincarnated but she was cute and full of energy. She had her flaws and while she wasn’t the skinniest girl nor had the sexiest figure, I learned to love her for all her curves and imperfections. I had a hard time with sex sometimes because maybe I wasn’t that attracted to her either, but I tried my best and she grew on me. I accepted her for who she is and her personality and for me, that was enough to turn me on. There’s always been the stereotype that guys are shallow and only want hot girls, but here I am, dumped because I’m not hot enough. “You wouldn’t pursue a girl you didn’t find attractive right?” She asked. I didn’t want to say that I pursued her, it would hurt too much. Instead I nodded silently and agreed. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive, it was just that she wasn’t the level of attractiveness that I would have prefered. “It’s fine, we’re all going to be old and wrinkly anyways, I just want a good ride there.” I just wanted someone fun, smart, funny, and engaging–someone to be my best friend through life. And if that friend wants to fuck, then even better. I guess she never understood that part. It’s just disappointing that I never gave up on her no matter how difficult it was to be with her, and that I learned to look past her imperfections yet she was too strung up on mine. I gave my best efforts while she had already given up before it even began. That was a hard realization for me.

I guess he lied to me all this time too? About how attractive he found me?

and he was angry AT ME for lying to myself/him about it?

When all this time he felt that way too.. that really hurts. 

How could he hold it against me when he felt the same way.

Then I got really angry because 

HEY i think I look pretty damn good so what the hell is he shit-talking about?

And does he think he's a fucking sex god? I'm not good enough for him?

As if he could get someone sooo much better? FUCK YOU, that's what, I am amazing and sexy and I didn't ask to be attacked. Nor did I attack your physical body..so that was horribly uncalled for.

And anyone on a higher "level of attractiveness" that he yearns for SOOO MUCH would just be a porn star with fake tits or a stupid ABG with shit ton of makeup anyways. I always knew he liked ABGs, but I don't think he realizes he's just as shallow as he accuses me of being and can't even see that they are fake and not natural. Pffftttt. Stupid idiot.

And are you kidding me? I never told him I wanted to breakup because he was UGLY. I never said that. I said we didn't have chemistry I wanted.

WE DIDNT HAVE SEXUAL ATTRACTION and it's true because he just admitted it himself above that he also had trouble in bed!!

Which just means that it's true we had trouble with sex.

And sex is vitally important in a relationship.

If you don't have good sexual compatibility then why are you even a couple?

That's the difference between a lover and a friend - that's why the friendzone exists.

And I don't think he understands that (sexual chemistry) because he's an idiot and thinks there's no such thing as chemistry and passion so he reverts to jsut thinking I rejected his physical form.

Which yes - there was some of that. But the MAIN reason was we were not sexually passionate or compatible. If he could just see that and accept and understand it he would understand my reasons completely and not be so damn butthurt about it.

I didn't do it to PURPOSELY HURT HIM !! I didn't go "sorry well you're not hot enough for me imma dump you to get a hotter guy" ... my reasoning was I really honestly want him to find someone who will love him in all the ways that I couldn't AND who will have sexual compatibility with him!! He never seemed to understand that. I did it FOR HIM! And yes, for me too but because I felt we BOTH DESERVED to be completely accepted and loved and have an amazing, passionate love life! I never did it based on purely physical looks. If I did, then I would have just cheated on him with any hot guy I ever saw and I would never be satisfied...

And I know what I believed it's true because my relationship with JayKay proved that passion and sexual chemistry exists more than anything.

I DO think JayKay is perfection and I think he's a sexiest thing I ever seen and he feels the same way about me. Passion is something we are never lacking and that's because we have compatibility!

And everyday, I just find him more and more attractive, which just proves my point even more: if I only liked him physically then my attraction to him would diminish over time (as I have experienced in the past with other exes) but instead my attraction to him only grows!

So yes, I'm right about sexual chemistry and he's an ASSHOLE for saying I'm not sexy enough for him... when I wasn't even talking about physical looks, 

but rather the energy and chemistry between us. 

So he just attacked my physicality without even understanding I was never even talking about that.

Gosh, freaking asshole.

UUUUGHHHHH.

I know it's in the past but it pisses me off how he thought of me as such as horrible person but this whole time he was the horrible one too. Fucking hypocrite UGHHHHH. So angry now.

Good luck getting your stupid ABG girlfriend!

DENTIST

So I'm gonna end this super long post (sorry) on a good note instead of the angry stuff about my ex lol (sorry again).

So I went to the dentist the other day and my dentist was super cute and friendly. and also flirting like mad with me ... hahahaha. Good to know I'm still good on the market.

Dentist: So are you still in highschool?

Me: WHAT. I just graduated college LOL. I'm 22...

Dentist: Oh! you look young, I guess that's a good thing! I'm 27.

Me: Oh you look ... 25?

Dentist: LOL.  So what did you study in school?

Me: Fashion Design.

Dentist: ohhh so that's why your style is so nice... ;)

Me: Wat (Thanks)

Dentist: You have a really pretty name.

Me: Wat (Thanks)

 -10 minutes later-

Me: So what days is your guys' periodontist in? I wanted to get a second opinion from her...

Dentist: You need something for periodontist?

Me: yeah... I have Stage 1 of periodontitis... you didn't notice?

Dentist: Really? Let me see...

Me: *shows him my gums*

Dentist: that doesn't look bad at all! I'll just do a really good cleaning for you and the dentist will come and take a look and give you advice on what to do. I'm sure you'll be fine.  It really doesn't look bad - you're too young. And I didn't even have to wear a mask when I was taking your X-rays which meant your mouth doesn't even smell bad~

Me: oh.. really? 

Dentist: Yeah, you'll be just fine, don't worry. *continues to be super gentle and sweet the whole time cleaning my teeth while flirting with me and all I can do is make hmm-ing and grunting noises in reply*

 -5 minutes later-

Dentist: *cleaning a spot behind my teeth and it hurts really bad and I flinch from the pain*   

Dentist: Are you doing alright? 

Me: Mmhmm

Dentist: you're a tough girl

Me: *literally drooling since he's got a bunch of tools in my mouth and my mouth is gaping open lol*

I love gentle, sweet doctors/dentists... they make me feel not so stressed out and worried and everything will be okay in the end... ahhhhhhh~

I guess that means they're doing their job right! All the doctors I had at the hospital were all like this too.. so soothing and calming and reassuring ~

Why so freaking kawaii and sweet?

his name is Michael Aycock.

AAYYEEE COCK!

Grrrr Work

         Yet again I am being called into work on my days off. I haven't really had time to relax, write a blog, or ANYTHING. At least I'm making more money and I'll be visiting you guys this weekend so we can party. I've been given the title of sales lead for holiday box up, which is basically inventory management, and I heard a rumor that they might give me the sales lead for marketing as well. Not sure how I feel about this. 

         On one side, hell yea I'm being promoted but also I don't want to take the job if I'm planning to leave soon. If it paid more than I would take it but it doesn't, its just more responsibility and I'd rather have them have someone else be trained to do it if I am planning to leave soon. I'm doing toooo well, I've only actually been with them for 3 and a half months.
         Getting more hours and being promoted is great and all but I also want to focus on the programming that I want to do. Anytime I have some days off and I plan to do chores or work on programming I get called into work and its a little frustrating. Idk I'm just a little iffy on everything right now.

Short post here

      Sorry I've been so MIA since the blog started, I did not realize how much shit needed to be done. In addition to me having floorset shifts and shifts I didn't know I had I'm currently exhausted. I love working at B&BW but the head manager keeps fucking up and making everyone's job harder by not doing hers. Anyways wish me luck guys, I have one more shift tomorrow until I get a day off. Then I'm going to blog the day awayyyy.