stranger things have happened

you know sometimes you feel so internally turbulent and messed up but in reality nothing huge is happening in your life? (as in a breakup, family member being sick, or getting fired kind of huge event I mean).

That's how I feel right now.

Inside I feel horrendously restless and anxious and dreading everything ahead of me.

But in reality... the events in my life are not catastrophic or life-changing.

I don't know why sometimes I get like this but it pisses me the hell off because it makes me feel like I'm overreacting or something.

Maybe it's that goddamn anxiety kicking in again. Fuck. *takes rhodiola pills*

Anyways so I guess a few small-ish things have been happening:

JOB

Legit wanna quit lol.  I feel how Midori feels with her job.

They gave me a new position (checking quality control on bulk production as my main job AND I'm still partially doing my initial job but with the other team) after my friend put in her notice.

They're closing down my entire department and hired some person in Washington instead to replace my friend and opened an office there.. I know ... wtf right?  So stupid. Shipping and shit is gonna cost them a fucking arm and leg. HELLOO that's why LA ports are IMPORTANT!  Because they're ports for ships and not everything has to get aired in.... 

Anyways so they gave me more responsibility and I technically have a new position now (production manager or some shit idk) but they didn't give a raise.. didn't even mention it.

I'm gonna bring it up next week sometime.

If they don't give me one I'll be forced to give my notice.

Hell no way I'm going to get more responsibilities and not get paid for it. 

So yeah, I'm literally in the same boat as you, Midori!! LOL.  *suffers together*

What ever shall we do??? WHAT IS LIFE.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I talked to a former coworker couple days ago and he says he has a lot of friends/customers who want him to make techpacks and stuff for them but he's been sending them to another ex-coworker as freelance projects. and he's been sending so many people to her that now she's overwhelmed LOL.

So he asked if I wanted to do some more freelance :''') I was like HELL YEAH. 

So hopefully I get some more gigs from that and I can just do freelance only!!

Dream come true...

We'll see how it goes :) I'm pretty stoked about that.

BOYFRIEND

Things have also been kind of turbulent with JayKay*

I mean we always talk through our problems and everything is always fine in the end but we've been having a lot of "talks" lately and I've been having a lot of crying tantrums ... ;_; I'm a freaking crybaby lol.

I think both our jobs and his family as well is causing a lot of stress so sometimes we take it out on each other unintentionally. It sucks...

I know he loves me a lot, I don't doubt that at all.

He even changed the date of his India trip for me because I told him I was sad I was going to be alone on Christmas/New Years. So he changed it so that he'd be home for both holidays ;'')

His mom is having tension with his dad though. She wants to go to India but his dad doesn't want her to go because he said his mom (JayKay's grandma) is still feeling tension from their divorce and isn't prepared to see her ex-daughter-in-law. She acted rebellious and decided to go anyways lol. Now JayKay is mad at her for acting irrationally just to spite his dad. Goddamn family drama -_- Anyways they're divorced and hate each other so that makes sense.  Hopefully it fixes itself soon...

And the other thing we've been having is one night he picked me up to come over and it was really late when we woke up. He had to still drive me back home but he got kind of irritated because it was so far to drive me back home.

He told me a few days later he felt a bit irritated about it.

I got mad and said he's selfish and doesn't want to pick me up.

But he said it's unfair because when he picks me up he has to drive back and forth like 4 times while if I drive myself to  his house, I only have to drive 2 times.

But I'm like ... you have a damn Prius -_-

But I guess he doesn't want to put to many miles on his car since it's new and that will raise his insurance also.. Idk it's complicated.

Anyways we talked through it and all is fine now since he said he was just feeling cranky that day from being tired and also he LIKES picking me up, just doesn't like dropping me off because he's losing me and also has to drive back alone ;''(

And we both agreed that him picking me up and me driving there is sorta the same thing since my car wastes a lot of gas vs. his car which doesn't. So his 4 times is same as my 2 times LOL.

Anyways I like him picking me up ._.

I also can see how I would be cranky too though if I had to drive him back home at like 4 am in the morning lol.

Anyways we're okay now. I'm glad we were able to talk through everything as usual and we always try to improve the situation and make things better.

I like that we are really honest with each other and constructive in our solutions.

He's an amazing person and always trying to better himself and that really inspires me.

and he's got such a good heart. Even if he doesn't know it.

EX-BOYFRIEND

I did a bad thing, you guys. I did a really bad thing.

I randomly thought about Cha one day and I remembered we used to keep a blog about each other back when we first started dating.

I randomly checked it one day last week and I found out ..

he's been blogging about me ever since we broke up...!!!!!

I had no idea ... I really thought he just deleted the blog.

anyways I did a bad and read everything he wrote....from the breakup till now.

Gosh the ones in the beginning of the breakup was really bad...but I expected that of course and I understand why he wrote those things ... even if they were really negative and some of them downright mean. Especially this part which made me really upset for a few days after reading:

She said she tried to find me attractive and it didn’t work. I never saw her as perfection reincarnated but she was cute and full of energy. She had her flaws and while she wasn’t the skinniest girl nor had the sexiest figure, I learned to love her for all her curves and imperfections. I had a hard time with sex sometimes because maybe I wasn’t that attracted to her either, but I tried my best and she grew on me. I accepted her for who she is and her personality and for me, that was enough to turn me on. There’s always been the stereotype that guys are shallow and only want hot girls, but here I am, dumped because I’m not hot enough. “You wouldn’t pursue a girl you didn’t find attractive right?” She asked. I didn’t want to say that I pursued her, it would hurt too much. Instead I nodded silently and agreed. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive, it was just that she wasn’t the level of attractiveness that I would have prefered. “It’s fine, we’re all going to be old and wrinkly anyways, I just want a good ride there.” I just wanted someone fun, smart, funny, and engaging–someone to be my best friend through life. And if that friend wants to fuck, then even better. I guess she never understood that part. It’s just disappointing that I never gave up on her no matter how difficult it was to be with her, and that I learned to look past her imperfections yet she was too strung up on mine. I gave my best efforts while she had already given up before it even began. That was a hard realization for me.

I guess he lied to me all this time too? About how attractive he found me?

and he was angry AT ME for lying to myself/him about it?

When all this time he felt that way too.. that really hurts. 

How could he hold it against me when he felt the same way.

Then I got really angry because 

HEY i think I look pretty damn good so what the hell is he shit-talking about?

And does he think he's a fucking sex god? I'm not good enough for him?

As if he could get someone sooo much better? FUCK YOU, that's what, I am amazing and sexy and I didn't ask to be attacked. Nor did I attack your physical body..so that was horribly uncalled for.

And anyone on a higher "level of attractiveness" that he yearns for SOOO MUCH would just be a porn star with fake tits or a stupid ABG with shit ton of makeup anyways. I always knew he liked ABGs, but I don't think he realizes he's just as shallow as he accuses me of being and can't even see that they are fake and not natural. Pffftttt. Stupid idiot.

And are you kidding me? I never told him I wanted to breakup because he was UGLY. I never said that. I said we didn't have chemistry I wanted.

WE DIDNT HAVE SEXUAL ATTRACTION and it's true because he just admitted it himself above that he also had trouble in bed!!

Which just means that it's true we had trouble with sex.

And sex is vitally important in a relationship.

If you don't have good sexual compatibility then why are you even a couple?

That's the difference between a lover and a friend - that's why the friendzone exists.

And I don't think he understands that (sexual chemistry) because he's an idiot and thinks there's no such thing as chemistry and passion so he reverts to jsut thinking I rejected his physical form.

Which yes - there was some of that. But the MAIN reason was we were not sexually passionate or compatible. If he could just see that and accept and understand it he would understand my reasons completely and not be so damn butthurt about it.

I didn't do it to PURPOSELY HURT HIM !! I didn't go "sorry well you're not hot enough for me imma dump you to get a hotter guy" ... my reasoning was I really honestly want him to find someone who will love him in all the ways that I couldn't AND who will have sexual compatibility with him!! He never seemed to understand that. I did it FOR HIM! And yes, for me too but because I felt we BOTH DESERVED to be completely accepted and loved and have an amazing, passionate love life! I never did it based on purely physical looks. If I did, then I would have just cheated on him with any hot guy I ever saw and I would never be satisfied...

And I know what I believed it's true because my relationship with JayKay proved that passion and sexual chemistry exists more than anything.

I DO think JayKay is perfection and I think he's a sexiest thing I ever seen and he feels the same way about me. Passion is something we are never lacking and that's because we have compatibility!

And everyday, I just find him more and more attractive, which just proves my point even more: if I only liked him physically then my attraction to him would diminish over time (as I have experienced in the past with other exes) but instead my attraction to him only grows!

So yes, I'm right about sexual chemistry and he's an ASSHOLE for saying I'm not sexy enough for him... when I wasn't even talking about physical looks, 

but rather the energy and chemistry between us. 

So he just attacked my physicality without even understanding I was never even talking about that.

Gosh, freaking asshole.

UUUUGHHHHH.

I know it's in the past but it pisses me off how he thought of me as such as horrible person but this whole time he was the horrible one too. Fucking hypocrite UGHHHHH. So angry now.

Good luck getting your stupid ABG girlfriend!

DENTIST

So I'm gonna end this super long post (sorry) on a good note instead of the angry stuff about my ex lol (sorry again).

So I went to the dentist the other day and my dentist was super cute and friendly. and also flirting like mad with me ... hahahaha. Good to know I'm still good on the market.

Dentist: So are you still in highschool?

Me: WHAT. I just graduated college LOL. I'm 22...

Dentist: Oh! you look young, I guess that's a good thing! I'm 27.

Me: Oh you look ... 25?

Dentist: LOL.  So what did you study in school?

Me: Fashion Design.

Dentist: ohhh so that's why your style is so nice... ;)

Me: Wat (Thanks)

Dentist: You have a really pretty name.

Me: Wat (Thanks)

 -10 minutes later-

Me: So what days is your guys' periodontist in? I wanted to get a second opinion from her...

Dentist: You need something for periodontist?

Me: yeah... I have Stage 1 of periodontitis... you didn't notice?

Dentist: Really? Let me see...

Me: *shows him my gums*

Dentist: that doesn't look bad at all! I'll just do a really good cleaning for you and the dentist will come and take a look and give you advice on what to do. I'm sure you'll be fine.  It really doesn't look bad - you're too young. And I didn't even have to wear a mask when I was taking your X-rays which meant your mouth doesn't even smell bad~

Me: oh.. really? 

Dentist: Yeah, you'll be just fine, don't worry. *continues to be super gentle and sweet the whole time cleaning my teeth while flirting with me and all I can do is make hmm-ing and grunting noises in reply*

 -5 minutes later-

Dentist: *cleaning a spot behind my teeth and it hurts really bad and I flinch from the pain*   

Dentist: Are you doing alright? 

Me: Mmhmm

Dentist: you're a tough girl

Me: *literally drooling since he's got a bunch of tools in my mouth and my mouth is gaping open lol*

I love gentle, sweet doctors/dentists... they make me feel not so stressed out and worried and everything will be okay in the end... ahhhhhhh~

I guess that means they're doing their job right! All the doctors I had at the hospital were all like this too.. so soothing and calming and reassuring ~

Why so freaking kawaii and sweet?

his name is Michael Aycock.

AAYYEEE COCK!