O-o-h...fuck... He's REALLY cute.

Okay sooo not much as been happening for me so I'll do my best to make this post super long.
I haven't really been as anxious lately. It's kinda weird, but I've been having a lot of fun studying, cramming for tests, and getting super crazy on coffee. Once I graduate I know I'll definitely miss school...

Education

School has been ridiculously expensive for materials lately. Augh so I finished my first project for historical perspective of fashion culture class...I think that's what the class is called.. LOL. One of our teammates for the group was kind of 'mia' and we totally understand why so we asked her to just skim over for grammar and any terms we missed then to print it out. She ended up going to the closets printing shop and it ended up being a total of like $110 with color and nice ass paper... It kind of irritated me that she said it was okay for her to print it and her parents would just pay for it-- like write it off as a school expense so they can get tax refund. I KNEW $110 was actually a lot for printing and you can't return it saying it was too expensive when it was already fucking printed before she actually got the goddamn price... I felt really bad so I offered to split it to help pay. The other member offered as well so it was split among all 3 members of the group. But seriously... AUGH.
The both of them are honestly in my opinion financially well off too.
I'm so stupid. I didn't want them to worry so I said, "Well it's for school. So it's fine."
AUUGHHHH.
I'm pretty sure we're getting a fucking amazing grade on it though.
Better be above an A+. S+ Project and well done.
Loljk. I did a decent job on it with my members.

I got my first essay exam from that class back though. 48/50! Woot woot.
I did my second exam a few days ago and I HONESTLY don't feel good about it. Even though I studied like shit, I felt my notes this round were really bad. I couldn't keep up at all. I was the last one to leave the class during the test. SERIOUSLY. I STAYED THE WHOOOLLEE CLASS PERIOD DOING THE FUCKING TEST. My test anxiety hit-- BAD.

I am pretty much bullshitting product development...
My computer webdesign course is really great relaxer. It gets me away from thinking of the fashion industry.~
Draping is confusing as fuck and I don't know what the hell I'm doing half the time.

I needa start on my collection designs and boards too.

Financially

 I'm fucking stuck in debt now for sure. With my weekends only being my income-- I've finally come to realize it's not enough especially with the two internships that I'm trying to juggle after class. Fuck my life. There were these two dresses I really wanted to buy from my store too which sucks. I can't even attend my co-workers first 21st fancy dinner party. I really hate this feeling.
I was super excited for her too.. I feel like if I didn't have Kuma was expenses wouldn't be so harsh right now...
I will probably be selling a shit load of useless things on Craigslist now. Especially shit Waste bought me.
I'm contemplating on selling my NES 3DS. I kind of want to trade it for the pink/white one except I don't even fucking play it anymore. Maybe I should just sell it off. Sigh.
PLUS I REALLY WANT TO GO TO ALASKA. SO MAYBE IT IS WORTH SELLING.
But I got it for $135....

 Damn these debates.

Family

I was eating at Kaju with my mom and brother, Zatsun. Everything was going fine and we were discussing stuff. I was honestly on a verge of breakdown as I was running on coffee--- didn't have anything to eat, but crackers-- and was just superbly worn out. I started to complain and question about people's action and doing what they should be doing, but end up doing some other shit. Cough cough Waste. I was talking in general when Zatsun says,"You should be doing the same thing."

So I literally stopped eating and immediately questioned, "Like what? Washing the dishes?"

In my head: Are you fucking serious? When you were in school all you did was go to school and hold one part time FUCKING job. YOU didn't try to hold two internships, a full time education, and try to HANDLE two part time jobs --- but you have the audacity to tell ME I'm not doing what I'm supposed to because I am ONLY washing my own dishes? More things continued in my head. I'm literally on the verge of crying and EVERY TIME I GET ANGRY I START FUCKING CRYING.

"What is it then if it's not the dishes?"

Zatsun replies,"You can talk about other people to everyone and your friends with no problem, but once it gets to you-- you get defensive."

Me: I'm not just talking about one person. I'm talking about other things that are happening to me as well. It's never about just ONE person.

Okay. I'm fucking pissed so my eyes get watery as fuck.

Zatsun: And you start crying. I barely said anything. What the hell is there to cry about?

Mom: We're at the dinner table in public. Don't start crying.

Me: I cry whenever I'm ANGRY.

Then my mom starts saying the most stupid shit---

Mom: It's about a boy isn't it?

Me: What...?

Mom: There isn't a need to cry and stress over things. Just leave it behind when you go home. Home is home. You don't need your stress there. We're out eating right now so we don't need to think about those things.

Me: (What.the.fuck.) Easier said than done Mom.

Mom: It is easy.

At this point I don't even know what to fucking say. My support system that was supposed to be my family just crumbled before my eyes. My mom continued to ramble about how there's no need to be sad or some shit and that I don't need to stress out ..etc..etc...there isn't a need to talk about it...etc..etc...like she keeps going and I'm still on the verge of crying.

So I decided to be a little bitch and interrupt her and ask her--

"Why is that you say not to think and talk about it and yet you continue to say things about it?

It's not making it any easier."

She changed the subject after that and just talked to my brother. It's not like they're ignoring me or anything after that, but may be after that scenario they realized a few things about me after living with me for like fucking 20 years.

Love

Not a lot as been happening obviously, but I have been noticing that I'm taking interest in a lot of guys...I don't know if you guys know that one line about guys loving girls...

It's like if you love girls then you think they're all cute. Like fat girls, skinny girls, and super manly girls are cute.

IT'S LIKE THAT FOR ME--- BUT FOR GUYS. I think all boys are cute or I think that there's something cute about them. It's so weird. But I don't think like-- OH. I'D TOTALLY DATE HIM.

I'm just like,"He's cute~"

But recently...While in Pet Smart--- This associate came to help me and I didn't take much notice of him. I noticed he had a nice voice though. He didn't really stutter. I decided to hold some sort of conversation and made eye contact with him--- Then I almost froze. He wasn't super awkward in his stance and held his back up pretty well. Not too confident, but not too relaxed either.

 O-o-h...fuck... He's REALLY cute.

Must I mention my devil side kicked in and told me,"Meh he's average."

But like SOMETHING ELSE WAS TELLING ME-- OMG. I NEED TO LEAVE LIKE RIGHT NOW OR I MAY END UP STALKING HIM. He seemed to be multi-tasking between helping customers and the cash register so I let him leave after helping me. What sucks was I wasn't being girly at all. I think Tyrone kicked it. 

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING HIS NAME. I kept circling around the aisles thinking-- Okay... How do I get last in line at the register so I can talk to him a bit more...........
I was calculating my timing:

"OKAY. IF I WAIT ABOUT 15 MINUTES EVERYONE WHO JUST CAME IN WILL PROBABLY LEAVE BECAUSE THEY WALKED IN IMMEDIATELY AS IF THEY KNEW WHAT SHIT THEY NEEDED AND I CAN GO TO THE REGISTER-- WONDER AROUND THE TREAT SECTION THAT NEXT TO THE CASHIER JUST INCASE SOMEONE LINES UP BEHIND ME!"

Yes. I did this.

Only problem was while I was waiting at the end of the line....

ANOTHER ASSOCIATE CAME AND OPENED UP ANOTHER LINE THEN CALLED ME OVER TO HER INSTEAD.

I'M SO FUCKING STUPID.

OH. He had such smooth skin looking skin. 

I'm debating on going back tomorrow maybe to return some items I purchased.......Maybe.. I'll run into him? So tempteddddddd. 

Anyways with the next story... It's about someone I've sort of known for awhile, but I don't know. I might be over thinking. It's hard to tell. My conclusion is that he just sees me as a friend though.

I've known 'Hermes' since ...Well awhile. I think Midori knows him too. He was introduced to me by another friend during Anime Expo..a long time ago...and to be honest, I don't really remember him. I /do/ remember someone that kept looking at me during that time, but I...don't know? Anyways, he added me on facebook and we'd talk here 'n there. 

I noticed he's always the one to hit me up to schedule a hang out. Dude. This guy drove from Riverside to just grab dinner with me for a few hours. He also picked me up. Except he acted like a total bro with me. It was fun and not to crazy. I felt really bad since he couldn't really eat (Something was apparently wrong with his stomach, I found out later on when he stresses out the acid in his stomach make it really hard to digest meat! Poor boy.) SO I paid for dinner. He offered to pay for the next meal. 

We hang out, eat, talk, and he drops me off home while he goes back to Riverside.

The second hangout, I'm like super stressed and told me to just plan it out. I just let him know I was coming from Commerce. He's horrible at planning......... 

"Am I picking you up? Are we meeting half way? What should we eat???"

Like literally an hour before we're meeting up to hang out he's scrabbling to get things together. It takes him another 30 minutes to figure it out after I get off my internship. I'm sure he's not interested...If he was wouldn't he have planned it better?

So he plans it at this Bar and Grill place.

and..

man.....

Now that I'm thinking about it I'm sure he isn't interested me in anyway

because he was so sleepy at the end at the Tea Station while I was doing homework that he was going to go home first which would of made me walk back to my car that was a couple blocks away--- in the dark. Hermes parked behind the shop.

I felt bad and packed-- then he dropped me back at my car.

Yeah. He's not interested.

I'm...sure?

He didn't really do anything that showed he had interest in me other than paying for the $60 meal for both of us. HAHAHAHAH. 

Still thinking about that Pet Smart guy though...

I didn't re read anything.