NEW CHAPTER: 2 Years Later.

Hey ladies, how are you guys? Its been quite a while since we've posted on here and I've been itching to write lately.
I know we talk irl about a lot of issues that are going on in our daily lives and we don't live that far from each other anymore, but sometimes I find it difficult to talk about certain things irl. Sometimes I feel the need to express my thoughts through writing.

Its been 2 years since I've moved back down to Socal, there was a lot that was going on but there was a lot that also felt empty. I'm working a steady job but I don't feel any growth coming from there, I'm back at school but still hesitant on the direction I should take, I have a place to live with cheap rent but I'm unhappy and feel confined there, and I have so much I want to do but I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to take steps forward. The constant push and pull of keeping a steady and safe lifestyle versus stepping out of my comfort zone to make myself enjoy life more leaves me stuck in the middle and afraid.

When I came back down, I thought that the most important thing was for me to try and finish school. But I'm beginning to think that I'm just not cut out for sitting in a room, listening, test taking, memorizing. I feel this burning desire to learn but not in that way. I want the experience, I want to do not to sit and listen. Then I think to myself, well what can I do? I'm good at keeping track of numbers, I like to see things moving, I like to create. The only thing I wish I could do was art.

Things at home are suffocating, I feel confined to my room and Healthnut's nagging is starting to get to me as well as Matcha's passive aggressiveness. I want to cook when I want without feeling like I'm disturbing/imposing on people, I want to be able to use a living room to work without someone yelling at a basketball game, and I want to be able decorate and make it feel like home. My room just feels confined and trapped and when I go home I lose all motivation to do anything. I'm not exactly sure what I can do in this regard except take my work elsewhere. With Tea and I not being able to move out this December, I'll just have to deal with it. I do wish we could get some sort of creative space to work on our things though.

In regards to work, I'll do what I need to to survive and pay bills. I'm on the lookout for another better paying job, but work isn't super stressful right now and people aren't as annoying either. Not like it was before I left for my SA trip thank goodness.

I have a project that I really wanted to get started on and I've actually already started trying to sketch it out so I can get it done by mid October. I want to make enamel pins of two Splatoon characters so I can sell them when I go to lans. I want to dip my toes in doing some artwork and design work. I'll probably have Tea fix up my designs for me so they actually look good and not chickenshit. The only issues of course is money. I could afford it now since Tea and I aren't planning on moving out soon and of course I'm hoping to make back the money. I think this is a good way to try and move forward and do something that I've been want to do for awhile now.

There's a lot more that I want to express but maybe on another day. I'm not hoping to bring this blog back but today I just felt like typing out things.

Fear

A strange thing occurred to me the past couple of months. It became stronger and stronger over time. I've come to realized what this feeling was sitting in my heart.

Fear.

I don't know when I suppressed this emotion or when it has begun. I remember there were many times I sucked up my breath to kill a spider and cockroach within the past couple of years. Many occasions where I didn't mind walking in the dark or being home alone.

During my time with Waste, another friend of mine pointed out that I would be blinded by love with him. He still insists that is the case, but after a discussion we concluded maybe it was a mix of both love and fear. Since through out our lives we don't want to harbor the feeling of hate. We just want to be indifferent towards someone. Emotionless.

Blinded by Love is more of cause emotional outbursts as Blinded by Fear causes more of a logical action.
Then again... Logic varies from person to person and I'm not the most logical person out there.

But lately this fear has been more prominent. Less of hearing voices and more of feeling a weight on my shoulders. Something following me again. Something just standing there and watching me. Every time I feel this-- a painful headache/migraine (Idk which) occurs.
I wonder if it's because I graduated already and I'm not sure if I will make it through.
Whether or not I will be able to handle 3 part time jobs a once.
If I'll have enough to upkeep financially to someday move out while taking care of my car insurance, phone bill, house utilities,...etc.
I'm afraid my mom will drop dead the moment I move out.
I'm afraid I'LL drop dead the moment I'm gone.
I keep feeling like the house is going to get robbed or if I'll get kidnapped.

These weird scenerios send a chill down my spine too often. To the point that I can't move. I'm shaken up to the point I want to cry.
It's like my body has given up trying to fight whatever is attacking me.

Metaphorically, it feels as though someone is trying to eat me alive.

I am concerned about people who compliment me especially in real life. For example someone said I have gotten more attractive lately. I thank'd them, but it quickly flips to negative thoughts in my mind: Why? Why are you telling me this? Are you going to try to rape me? Are you going to try to seduce me? Do you think I'm trying to seduce you? Please don't touch me (This person doesn't touch me in anyway.). Please don't compliment me.

I never had this problem until the occurrence of the rape event.

Is this what it's like to be traumatized?

I accidently snapped at a friend awhile back. I did date him, but turned him down. Midori was there that day when we all hung out as friends. I was cold. All he did was lightly grab my arm and rubbed them really fast to warm me up. We were really close friends and that wasn't anything unusual.
I was scared and frightened more of people I trust deeply because I can't read their thoughts. I'm incredibly afraid of being betrayed by those I consider as great friends, but are of the opposite sex... That they, too, want to just take advantage of me.

I went to Octoberfest with another group of friends. They allowed me to share a bed. It was a couple, my friend, and their mutual friend. Mutual friend was on the floor already so I shared the bed with my friend. But I was so scared and frightened. I barely slept that night. It was the upcoming to winter so the room was tremendously cold. I didn't get under the blanket/sheets. I was unconsciously wrapped in a blanket of dark thoughts: If I get raped again, would it be my fault this time...?

Online relationships and LDRs were probably comforting. Maybe that's why I kept getting into them. The person couldn't focus on touching me. They had to work for it and build my trust without lavishly spending money on me. They had to spend time.
I enjoyed flirting with them without having to worry about having to tell them 'no' when I didn't want to do it yet. I enjoyed being able to face them when I felt they had done wrong. I didn't have to worry that they'd abuse me physically or even emotionally because they can't raise their voice at me via text.
Caplock doesn't mean anything.

I still sit in fear with Oswald. That he'll leave me or get tired...Or maybe betray me like my father has done to my mom.
But when I sleep with him, I'm not afraid of the dark. Not concerned about robbers coming into the house or kidnapped. The worries vanish momentarily when I'm with him and I'm okay again for a couple of days after that.

I'd stay at home with my mom and I'd freak out like crazy still.

I haven't seen him two weeks. I wonder if he's the reason I still have myself stable.
Sleeping at night hasn't been easy since I last saw him.
I've been napping during the day a lot to make up for it.

Am I secretly just afraid of everything now?

To the point that I am, for reason so afraid, tempted to just close my eyes while let go while I'm driving...

Other than that. I'll figure it out...

Moving Back Soon!

Hey Ladies

I'm moving home soooooon, probably around August 8th. I feel extremely bittersweet about it, on one hand I'm happy to be coming back home to everyone, on the other I'm extremely sad to leave Norcal. I really love Norcal and might want to live up here again sometime in the future. So update for you guys, I'm living with my cousin Anh Vinh, I'll be paying him $300 a month and working at Mylene Dad's shop. I'll finally be able to see a counselor at school so that I can get back into CSULB. I am hoping I only have to take one more semester off and not two to get back in. I'll be doing business and accounting and doing programming on the side. I still really want to do programming so I think the business end of it will really tie together. Idk after working at BBW I've really become interested in running a business of my own. So we'll see how that pans out. 

Just wanted to write a short update for you guys. I really miss you two and can't wait to hangout 

Job Hunting

I got my first rejection letter.
It was for non-apparel sewing operator at Walt Disney for their display settings like drapery.
Oh wells right?

I've only been applying the past 3 days and I'm already sick of it.
I went to Revolve for technical design assistant and design assistant...Two of my classmates are already working there as design assistants I believe.
Feeling hella depressed.

Applied to Hybrid assistant designer for Junior apparel...
...and reached out to Add Black for an internship opportunity.

The freelance was going well, but she hasn't contacted me back. I'll reach out to her later tonight.
Freelance work was really great! I didn't even feel like I was working at all...

I'm beginning to wondering if I should just pick up another retail job.

Walt Disney has a washer/laundry attendant opening. I applied to it, but the job requires hours of starting at 5 am and sometimes closing shift at 5 am...

I always feel like I'm running out of time...

I look back at my graduation pictures and wish I didn't graduate yet...

Fuck

Peniscola breaking up with Harmonious, and her talking to be about it has brought back some bad memories and now I'm just angry that I ever listened to him. I don't know what I'm going to be doing about my future. I tried my hardest to not regret moving up here, but I find myself regretting it more and more each day. I regret leaving school, listening to Peniscola and all his sweet promises, and ultimately moving up here. What I regret most of all is not picking a major that I really actually wanted to do. I wish I knew I liked programming and computer science before I was three years into the nursing program. I'm extremely scared of the future. I'm in so much debt and have nothing to show for the time I spent up here. I thought I would be able to move back home easily, but I can't even do that. I basically have to beg the Housing people to let me back or I have to share a room with Mylene. I know I would hate living with that family, all of their judging faces and my uncle lecturing me all the time. I still have 2yrs of school left but I don't even know what I'll be majoring in. I feel like I fucked up in every way possible. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I'm having a breakdown this week. I don't know guys, what am I going to do?