Fear

A strange thing occurred to me the past couple of months. It became stronger and stronger over time. I've come to realized what this feeling was sitting in my heart.

Fear.

I don't know when I suppressed this emotion or when it has begun. I remember there were many times I sucked up my breath to kill a spider and cockroach within the past couple of years. Many occasions where I didn't mind walking in the dark or being home alone.

During my time with Waste, another friend of mine pointed out that I would be blinded by love with him. He still insists that is the case, but after a discussion we concluded maybe it was a mix of both love and fear. Since through out our lives we don't want to harbor the feeling of hate. We just want to be indifferent towards someone. Emotionless.

Blinded by Love is more of cause emotional outbursts as Blinded by Fear causes more of a logical action.
Then again... Logic varies from person to person and I'm not the most logical person out there.

But lately this fear has been more prominent. Less of hearing voices and more of feeling a weight on my shoulders. Something following me again. Something just standing there and watching me. Every time I feel this-- a painful headache/migraine (Idk which) occurs.
I wonder if it's because I graduated already and I'm not sure if I will make it through.
Whether or not I will be able to handle 3 part time jobs a once.
If I'll have enough to upkeep financially to someday move out while taking care of my car insurance, phone bill, house utilities,...etc.
I'm afraid my mom will drop dead the moment I move out.
I'm afraid I'LL drop dead the moment I'm gone.
I keep feeling like the house is going to get robbed or if I'll get kidnapped.

These weird scenerios send a chill down my spine too often. To the point that I can't move. I'm shaken up to the point I want to cry.
It's like my body has given up trying to fight whatever is attacking me.

Metaphorically, it feels as though someone is trying to eat me alive.

I am concerned about people who compliment me especially in real life. For example someone said I have gotten more attractive lately. I thank'd them, but it quickly flips to negative thoughts in my mind: Why? Why are you telling me this? Are you going to try to rape me? Are you going to try to seduce me? Do you think I'm trying to seduce you? Please don't touch me (This person doesn't touch me in anyway.). Please don't compliment me.

I never had this problem until the occurrence of the rape event.

Is this what it's like to be traumatized?

I accidently snapped at a friend awhile back. I did date him, but turned him down. Midori was there that day when we all hung out as friends. I was cold. All he did was lightly grab my arm and rubbed them really fast to warm me up. We were really close friends and that wasn't anything unusual.
I was scared and frightened more of people I trust deeply because I can't read their thoughts. I'm incredibly afraid of being betrayed by those I consider as great friends, but are of the opposite sex... That they, too, want to just take advantage of me.

I went to Octoberfest with another group of friends. They allowed me to share a bed. It was a couple, my friend, and their mutual friend. Mutual friend was on the floor already so I shared the bed with my friend. But I was so scared and frightened. I barely slept that night. It was the upcoming to winter so the room was tremendously cold. I didn't get under the blanket/sheets. I was unconsciously wrapped in a blanket of dark thoughts: If I get raped again, would it be my fault this time...?

Online relationships and LDRs were probably comforting. Maybe that's why I kept getting into them. The person couldn't focus on touching me. They had to work for it and build my trust without lavishly spending money on me. They had to spend time.
I enjoyed flirting with them without having to worry about having to tell them 'no' when I didn't want to do it yet. I enjoyed being able to face them when I felt they had done wrong. I didn't have to worry that they'd abuse me physically or even emotionally because they can't raise their voice at me via text.
Caplock doesn't mean anything.

I still sit in fear with Oswald. That he'll leave me or get tired...Or maybe betray me like my father has done to my mom.
But when I sleep with him, I'm not afraid of the dark. Not concerned about robbers coming into the house or kidnapped. The worries vanish momentarily when I'm with him and I'm okay again for a couple of days after that.

I'd stay at home with my mom and I'd freak out like crazy still.

I haven't seen him two weeks. I wonder if he's the reason I still have myself stable.
Sleeping at night hasn't been easy since I last saw him.
I've been napping during the day a lot to make up for it.

Am I secretly just afraid of everything now?

To the point that I am, for reason so afraid, tempted to just close my eyes while let go while I'm driving...

Other than that. I'll figure it out...