Final insert for my blog

I finally realized why I've been upset. Rather I've been hella angry.
Either way... be nice if you guys can read it and let me know what you think? In all honesty, I've fucked up a lot which is why this is the only thing I've been really angry about that the end.
I just..
Idk. I feel better and I'll be changing the blog url soon and closing it. I feel good.

I love you guys.

"

I admit it. I've been angry. I've been wrong.

I've come to realized why I ended up writing so much and what triggered me to keep writing until the very end.

I've been angry. Very angry. For the first time I've been angry to the point that I didn't want to cry. Kinda interesting that it surpassed that level of anger. Haha.

There's only one thing I'm angry about and of course this whole post will be about Water and the final ending.

You know, it's weird. After finally realizing I've been angry these past couple of weeks... I actually feel a lot better. Anger is an expression I don't often show and I dislike having. It really corrupts the moment of thought so-- I've been angry. Really angry. He's probably going to tell me I don't have the right to be angry after all the stuff I've done to him, but I hope he stops to think about it someday.

I'm not mad at him for the whole year or time we spent or some shit idk. I'm angry about what happened the day I visited him to the day he finally told me the "truth". Or whatever the truth is. I don't even know what to believe anymore.

When I visited him, I tried to discuss about this Disneyland situation from weeks before. I went fucking crazy that week, but other than that-- I apologized to him and his ex about it. I found out from his sister he was staying at the hotel with his ex-girlfriend. I didn't mind. I trusted him, but as insecure as I was. I did doubt it a lot. A LOT. I denied the insecurity as his sister continue to reassure me they were just friends. I believed her until the very end. The only issue was, he told me he was with her family so he couldn't visit me and I couldn't stop by to visit him. I ignored the information his sister had told me and believed him instead.
So after finally calming down, I stopped texting him. I patiently waiting for him to go back to his home and waited for him to talk to me. It took awhile. I waited my whole day off and stayed home doing housework while waiting for him to let me know when he wasn't busy to talk. I didn't want to push and I didn't want to shove. We finally got to talk, but to be honest it was just me talking as he was busy with family company. I didn't mind. He did want to talk and wanted to wait until he was free, but I learned my lesson about waiting too long. So I told him to just listen to what I have to say. I've been thinking a lot during the days he and I were not talking.
The thing I talked about was about me realizing and apologizing for fucking up so much. That I didn't take caution of his warnings and I really did mean everything I was doing. He really meant a lot to me. etc etc....
More things happened that month, I'm sure it did as the way we talked to each other became more strained, but I figured after visiting him again things would sort of fall into place.

I came to see him. I asked him if he had stayed at the hotel with his ex. He said yes.
"Then why did you tell me you were with her family when you were only with them for one day when you had stayed there overnight for multiple nights at the hotel with just her?"
He couldn't answer. I remember this part of the conversation so well and clear that it just...
...it was already a sign to everything that was coming to an end...
"I would've been too tired to come see you as we were out all day and I knocked out the moment we got to our room."
"That's why I offered to come see you."
"What would we have done if you saw me? I was already too tired."
"We could of talked a bit."
"Talked about what? It wouldn't be for a bit or a few minutes. It'd be longer than that."
...It was silent for awhile because to be honest-- I really did just want to see him for a few minutes and it was the same reason for when I had hopped into my car for 15 hours to see him--- even for just a few minutes...
"Why did you tell me when you were with her family as the reason you couldn't see me? Why couldn't you just tell me you didn't want to see me?"
"I did want to see you."
"YOU DIDN'T! BECAUSE IF YOU HAD YOU WOULD OF!"
I think somewhere in this conversation I started to raise my voice and he had done the same.
"Why does this even matter?! It's in the past!"
"Because I want you to be honest with me even if it's painful! So in the future you'd just tell me and this doesn't happen again!"
He didn't say anything.
"You know what, forget it. Let's just enjoy what we have today. There's no point in arguing about something in the past anymore."

At some point we were laying beside each other and I finally mustered up the courage to ask if he had a feelings for her. To be honest I wanted to ask if he had sex with her that night.
"I do, but not enough to bother me or to do anything."
"So you haven't done anything?"
"Mmm... Just watched stuff to let loose. That's about it."
He didn't look at me in the eye.
I sighed to myself and thought," Might as well trust him, I told him to be honest so maybe he is."

You know...It is really hard to put trust in someone and I really do put my best in thinking positive of everyone...I guess I was seeing the world in red rosy glasses.

When I had asked him the day I missed my flight home if he really did finally see I was being honest in my feelings and he had told me yes.
In return I wanted to know how he felt about me too...SO I asked...
"I secretly love you too."
It wasn't a horrible feeling, it was kind of reassuring that I knew for once my feelings were going somewhere.
When he had dropped me off at my friend's place before I walked in, I cried. The same feelings I had when leaving for my flight home in July had returned. I love you so much I thought over and over again. As he left I turned around multiple times as he walked away.
As he drove off I ran out again wanting to tell him one more thing, but he had already turned.

I'm always too late.

A week later I think, everything was going pretty okay. I was less insecure and agitated about everything. I had a lot of faith and finally returned to being "normal"...until his ex-girlfriend private messaged me on facebook while I was at Disneyland with my cousin.
"Great. Again. What did I apparently do this time?" I thought.
He had told me not to talk to her, but I had done so anyways-- Tired of taking the retreat option for him. Something is going on if she's constantly messaging me. Turns out they have been having sex for awhile.
"No wonder he's so vague and silent about it." I thought.
"Why couldn't he have just told me fully...?"

She's telling me to back off and my feelings were stressing him out. Uhhhhh to also stop bullying her and harassing her. That I was causing a problem to them building their relationship again....That I should stop bothering him and texting him being all needy for his attention. I was pretty much being treated like a homewrecker and told to fuck off. I was confused so I messaged him that we both needed to talk that night.

We talked shortly.
"I told you to back off with your feelings."
"Wtf? No you didn't. You told me your feelings weren't the same and I asked you to let me wait a year to see if it can be changed. You agreed. Didn't you say you didn't feel anything towards her? Didn't you tell me you guys were just friends?"
"I lied. I started developing feelings for her again."
"Just when did this start...?"
"A couple months after we met."
"Why couldn't you have just told me...?"
Another moment of silence...
"Were you even planning to tell me to back off?"
"I was going to sometime later this week..."
"Then why did you say those words to me that day?..."
"What words?"
"Are you serious?"
"Tell me because I really don't remember."
"Then remember because I won't be telling you. If it meant that little that you can't remember."
"That I secretly love you?"
"Yes."
"I think I meant to say that my feelings for you are confusing."


Yeah. Then he goes on about how he thinks he wanted to get revenge on me for what I had done to him in the beginning of our feelings.
I told him I'm not angry at him. In reality we were just friends with strong feelings for each other from the beginning and until the end of it all. I had been too late when I wanted to be officially together. I admit it.

Oh she continued to message me to ask what we talked about and looky here! I posted it. Also discovered that he had told her that he didn't see me when I had come up to visit and that she had known that I was up visiting. Interesting, how did she know I was up in his area visiting? Hmmmm...A bit creepy...

I really was mad about it because he couldn't be honest about everything this last month when I had been doing my best to tell him the truth. Maybe he didn't just care enough anymore.
Naw, I was already too late.

Either way I've been angry. I admit it. I wanted to be a complete bitch to both of them, but--- to be honest there was nothing I can do. I went to this blog to write and write and write until my feelings were just finally torn until I cried. Still haven't cried yet, but I finally let it bloom instead. I don't understand why what I write bothered them so much. Anger really does blind people from seeing this clearly.

I'll take the blame for everything that has happened. It was probably all my fault that he ended up not telling me the truth. He should of just told me straight up he developed feelings for her again though. MAYBE HE SHOULD OF JUST TOLD ME WHEN I SAW HIM. AUUGHH. =_=;;;

I was childish in believing he still harbored loving feelings for me.
Is that why he called me a kid during our breakfast/brunch?

I was too late and all I've been doing was avoid admitting that I was angry at him for just not telling me everything. My mistake. I was planning to tell him everything the next time I saw him. Well it was before his ex decided to message me.
I meant it when I said I had plans.
I had ideas and for once I finally had a heart I wanted to give.
But you know, too late and shit. Sucks.

Meh. I'm feeling better now. I doubt he would want me waiting around with me feelings for him anymore. So I'll move on and let my feelings bloom into something else.

Thanks to my readers who have read my contradictions and perspective until the very end.

I love you very much.

& I'll meet someone new. 

"