Mom, thanks. I really mean it.

The date, the time, the year, the past, the present, and the future.
In our lives we don't realize we'll experience anything tragic, but in the end, you do, without warning. You can't count me as one of those people because it was already foreshadowed, and it was going to happen. The only mystery was...why?

During this summer, I knew my mother has been wanting to divorce my dad. I shrugged it off because he told me her friends told her to do that. My dad said my mother is too influenced by her friends, but ... even I began to notice what she meant.
Lots of relatives from Vietnam came over and they're living here now. My dad comes over to help them out and to get used to the differences. They invite us to go play all the time too. All the time is whenever my mom has to work and my dad is at home.
The day at the carona(?) beach was okay. I wouldn't really count it as fun for me, but since I'm the child of the elder brother in paternal family and a model for my niece, I have to keep smiling and laughing as though I've been living a spectacular life while they were in their old country. While all these smiles, I wondered what my mom was up to. Through out this whole time, I wish my mom came. I can't say what I want to. Everyone here around me is clueless to who I really am. They're clueless.

I suppose--- I was too, but I unconsciously began to do things differently. I never really cared for my mom...I sort of still act that way, but deep down, beyond the cursing, under a sheet of lies, I really care for her. I want my mom to have fun. I don't buy presents to make her shut up when I come home late. I just love giving gifts to her. If I were rich, I'd buy her a greenhouse of every plant she wants, a small cottage with a kitty and a puppy, or just she wants really. I cherish my mom completely...but...she never talks to me. She doesn't tell me anything at all. So I sit quietly, whimpering with worrisome that she may die soon...I wish my dad didn't tell me she was sick and said it was tuberculosis. I don't even know if she really does have that. I don't dare to know the truth though. I do know she's sick from over stress.

From what happened yesterday evening to night is something I have to understand. I see now from her years of trying to run away, her days of suicides, to her small fake smiles. I'm guessing the next chapter in my life, is my mother's death.

My mom and I was walking around the teacher parking lot of Webber Elementary School; exercising.

This is her story, not mine, and I hope we all learn something from this. Hopefully we'll never have this happen to us and we'll learn using the past to help our future.

"On my vacation day, I'm going to leave, and I'm going to book a hotel. I'll stay there for one night. By myself. A vacation for myself."
"Okway Mommie", I say happily knowing that she'll take a day break for herself.
"Do you remember those days I went out to play with my friends? I never went out with them. I just went driving around and window shopping. When I was bored, I'd drive to the beach and sit by myself until it got too cold. Remember the days when no one was home? When I came home and everyone was out, I put my stuff down and went back into the car and drove around too. When no one was home, I cried to myself. I'm stressed and I'm sick. Your dad, your father, my husband...Do you believe he's protecting me?"

"Well...he tries to find work to bring home money and feed the family..." I say without understanding what my mother was trying to say with me.
"It's not about money, do you think he protects me? Takes care of me?"
"Well...he's always busy with work...I'm not sure what to say..." My mind was puzzled.
"Your dad doesn't protect me. The day at your Uncle's (My dad's younger brother) was having a party, I was sick. I threw up and I left early with you. The whole time we were home, your dad didn't call and when he came home all he would ask was, "Are you okay?", that's all. He'd then leave...The day you went to the beach. Your dad was so happy! He smiled so delightfully when he was getting ready to go. I've never seem him like that before. I've never seen your dad smile like that when I ask him to go somewhere. He always makes a face or says it's too much work."
I began to wonder if their marriage was love, or was it just a fake marriage...

"When I say something, explain, release; He always says I say too much. He always says he'll fix it. Your dad, never does most of the things I ask him. He always has to see if his mom allows him too. I don't understand. He's always doing something for his family, but where was he when he was with me? I always want to bite someone when I have the chance, but then I remember---I'm not a dog! Why am I biting someone?"

Her Past

"When I was in Vietnam, I had someone I loved. We were in love with each other. It was fate. Four...five...six years passed. Years kept passing and this love would stay. This love was rich and real. I was a homeless girl, having to work everyday and always having to look for a job. The man I love, his name is Minh, he was a security man for the city. One day, I told him I had papers to go to the US and that we should marry then go together. He gave me three reasons he wouldn't do it. He didn't want our love to be because of going to the US. He didn't want our marriage to be just for the piece of paper. Last reason, he wasn't able to earn enough money to help take care of a living for him and me, or a small family. I understood what he had explained and left the papers at his house in case he changed his mind. During that time, I had to go very far for work and during those days. His mother introduced him to a wealthy family with a daughter. Of course the mother made threats to him to marry her because status, is important to Vietnamese and I...I was a homeless girl...and no mother in law wants their daughter in law to have no parents... I wasn't able to hear about this for months until I came back. I came to look for him and my friend told me that I was late. He didn't know where I worked, so he could not tell me what has happened. It was painful like a knife stabbing me so many times. He was my first love as I was his. First for everything actually! I loved him so, but I could not do anything. Time went by...and I was about to take the papers and live in America on my own, but then your paternal grandmother came along and heard about my papers. She asked me to marry her son, who is your current father. I didn't care at this point because I knew it was only a black certificate (fake marriage) so her son would get to the US, but your father apparently fell in love with me and wanted a real marriage. I didn't know if I wanted to feel love again, but your dad...watching your dad take care of his brothers and sisters so well; I believed he would be a good father and protect his family. So I married him, but they didn't come out as easily as I hoped. When I was having Dong (Frog) in my womb, I fell so many times. My great grandmother took care of me, putting ointment and giving my medicine for the baby so that he wouldn't come out too soon or unhealthy.
I was in Da Lat and your dad was in SaiGon. My friends would come to me and ask, "How weird! You're married, but why is your husband in SaiGon while you're here? It's so strange!"
I would lie to them that he was in SaiGon taking care of his brothers and sisters, helping them study.
To be honest, I didn't know why he was there.

Why was he there? Why is he not here? Where is he when I need him...

I believed it was okay. I let it slide since I had Dong.
But...the same thing happened when I had Phuc (Horse), he left to help his other family again...

Where was he?
I told him how I felt and that if he did it again I would divorce him. He would try to fix it at first, but then it failed, complaining at me that I said too much. I finally gave birth to your second brother and I let it slide...
Then I had you and your father did it again. I should of divorced him, but how would I have taken care of two children on my own and barely any English? So I locked my mouth and threw away the key."

Her Present
"I held it in all this time and I'm sick now. I wake up crying, then sleep some more. Then I wake up again and eat some more. Then I go back to sleep. Then I wake up and I can't eat so I indulge myself in movies, but even that's too stressful. It makes me think about more things related to the movie. So I get tired and I can't sleep. I get tired and now I can't eat. I'm crazy? See how crazy I am? It's because I can't tell anyone anything and my friends, I can't let them think we're a bad family."

I start sobbing around this point.

"Why are you crying? There is really no reason to cry about anything."

"I'm not crying...because I'm sad..."

"Why are you crying then?"

"Because I'm happy, this is the first time you've talked to me! I'm always so lonely because I couldn't know anything. I'm always afraid of being alone."

"No one will listen to me because everyone will be sad and not understand."

"It's because they don't stop and listen to you."

"Who would stop and listen to me?"

"I am right now."

"Thank for listening. The black and white cat that's usually here isn't here today. It didn't wait for me. Stupid cat."

The [iF]uture

"I explained the situation to your dad already one last time. If he does the same thing when your parental grandparents come over. I'm divorcing him, I'm telling you ahead of time so you'll understand. Like I said before, I'll only take care of you guys until you're 21 then you must walk on your own. Once your grandma comes over, I'll go spend time with her and find out if she's living her or not. Either way, I will most likely go live with your grandma. You can follow me or not. It's your choice."

"If you guys divorce, I'm moving out a.s.a.p."

"Do what you want, you should be at lest 18 by then."

~~~~~~~
"Mom, this summer. I'm going to go to Florida and go to Disney World."

"I'll go with you then."

"Okay. I need to go there this year to figure out an issue and fix it."

"Is it a boy?"

"Yeah..."

"Theresa's brother?"

"Yeah...to be honest mom, there's no Theresa."

"How'd you meet him then?"

"I met him at the library over the summer. Only met him twice." (Cough cough

"You fell in love with him after meeting him twice?"

"No mom, we got to know each other after a few months and I really liked him." (Now that's true.)
"Does he still right letters to you?"

"Nope...we text and email each other once and awhile every couple of months...a lot of things happen...I kept messing things up."
"How old is he anyways? A year older?"

"About 3 to 4 years."

"That's good. If you marry someone to close to your age, they do not know enough. If you marry someone too old, they may already know too much and it's not healthy. It's hard to understand, but you understand..right? You understand?"

"Yes mom. I understand."
"Then lets pinky promise, we'll go to Disney World next year."
"Mhmp! Pinky promise!"

"How long have you known him anyways?"

"About 6 to 7 years now."

Funny Side Conversation;

"What happened to that tennis guy? Are you still friends?"

"No. He thinks I hate him."

"Why do you hate him?"

"I don't mom! But I don't want to go near him or see him! I didn't understand at first, but I learned that I'm just really scared of him."

"Why is that?"

"Because he knows everything and I know if I go near him I'll remember the loneliness again. I don't want to feel that. I don't really know why, but that scares me. Remembering the jealously that poured into me and the loneliness I felt at the end."

"Who broke up?"

"He did. The first time was because of one argument. Our first one I guess. I thought that was pretty sissy."

"Hah."

"The second time he broke up with me again, but it wasn't his fault."

"Why's that?"

"Ever heard of the saying, "Break my heart shame on you, break my heart again shame on me.?"

"Hahaha~ What a funny quote."

----------------------------- This is all I remember. I hope you guys like the new header~ Fix your poupee linkie stuff at the right! Hope you enjoyed storying time. It's 3 AM now. xD Off to bed.