What...

I can't hold it in.
I was taking a break on facebook from studying and I learned a few things..

I never told you guys this but.
On Valentine's day. Muffin sent me an email...

Sent:

Sat 2/13/10 11:47 PM

Happy V-Day
I hope everything is fun and awesome
and yeah...
I still love you.
Take care and have fun!

....I thought the feelings were gone really, but I think I just pushed them aside because they were confusing me...How he kept saying. I only like you as a little sister when I tried to tell him my feelings... That was about a few months before this message.

So I was wondering if he had a facebook. Of course he had one. What was weird was...

I went to his friends...when I clicked on this one girl.. I'm not saying her name. Well I'll call her 'Girl 1'.

Relationship Status:

In a Relationship with

Muffin*

Right then I thought...wow..congratulations muffin! :O ... :0 ...

Me: Why am I shaking... I feel so confused... Does that mean his feelings are finally gone? Does he still love me? Is he still here? Am I alone? Wait, I've always been alone. Is there a point in waiting anymore? What? When have I been waiting? He's been out of my life. He only takes me as a good friend. He'd never love me anymore.

-remembers he's message on the email-

Huh...?.... Muffin..? I feel..frozen? Scared to know more? My arms my shoulders feel so..heavy now...

-I get even more curious- I wonder how long he's been with her... I wonder if he's been with her...since his birthday..or since this message..or maybe even longer than that...

-I start to click on the older posts because her facebook is public-

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Girl1* I have a sleeping Muffin* laying on me. It's so cute.

April 24 at 6:10pm via Facebook
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(Did I just feel jealousy in me...?)
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Girl 1* I had an amazing weekend in Pittsburgh to celebrate Muffin's* birthday. All because I have the best mom in the world who is amazing and super cool. She shares a culinary passion with Brandon that I don't fully understand.

February 21 at 9:01pm via Facebook

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(I remember calling him the day before...)
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January 29 at 6:07pm

RECENT ACTIVITY

Girl 1* is in a relationship with Muffiin*.
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(Since January..29th...? Muffin. MUFFIN WHY DID YOU SEND ME THE STUPID EMAIL IF YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL. You flippin. FLIPPIN. FLIPPIN....FU---... Muffin....What are you try to do..?)


And yet...I'm feeling frustrated over this..
Muffin. Who are you really to me.. -rubbs my forehead- I wonder if I'm just stuck in a love cycle and that all the guys I've been going out with...have been nothing, but replacements for my emptyness...I'm confused guys.
What Am i supposed to do? Wait. I don't have to do ANYTHING. This doesn't CONCERN me. Even though my feelings are being chopped into a billion pieces.

I hope he reads this some how and explain somethings... I feel chocked up.

Maybe its nothing because my heart. My chest. It feels nothing...

it feels nothing....

this is sad...

What the eef is love dam it...What am I supposed to feel and know...How can i evaluate such an important emotion in life that he's the one. Or am I supposed to already know? Because I'm still standing here as an ignorant girl...just waiting to meet him...

What a ruckus. I love you feels so right Muffin. I'm so afraid of telling him it..and letting having it actually turn into lies...

-goes back to studying...-